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Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Am I self Centred?

My Uncle has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, given two weeks to live, this has been on going for a few months now and they have decided he has only got two weeks left. Rare skin cancer, drove a tractor all his life, reached sixty erm one or two, its been a hectic few years, so slightly unsure if it was one or two. My cousin is getting married, all nice and cost brought it forward to try and have her Dad there, but not soon enough now. Which is a total total shame, my Aunt died of cancer several years ago. Appeared and took over in days. My Uncle has had it drag on and on, even beat it once. On top of this my Grandfather fell and broke his leg/hip, and while he has been in they have found many other problems, and a heart attack.
Both in hospital, both on the not long for this world list.
I'm dealing with it in my normal people die this happens we get old we fall to bits and we die, I'm so far in denial I'm talking Egyptian.
I am struggling to find free lance work, I'm struggling to get concepts out of my head, mainly down to stress of everything going on around me.
Full time job is moaning about lacking funds, we don't get the bookings and we should be doing, every one spends money on there kids and as such they should be spending it here. HANG ON! All the customers, parents and people I talk to are well we don't have the money, I know I personally don't have the money, its an expensive world out there, and why would you pay £12 to £32 to spend 50 to 90 minutes racing a slot car when you can throw your kids in a field/park or wander round the streets for as long as you want for FREE! Every birthday party I book ask what the minimum size is and the minimum size is 0, they then book 4, 6 or 8 and why because that's all they can afford. An we have to put the price up because the costs have gone up and we need to try and pay staff keep the bank happy and pay the VAT man and Rates, so prices have to go up, but a 10 person child's birthday party is going to cost £109.50 well that's over half a weeks wages for me.
Yet its my fault, I get it in the neck and I get grief for it. I can't control lacking funds and the boss just wont listen to me. Every thing is becoming more expensive and we all are cutting back on our luxuries.

My health is up and down like a yo yo, knee's and back causing my issues and its either live on pain killers or try and cope. Would be nice to be getting help at work over this but once more lacking funds due to lacking sales results in the only member of staff on site is me.

I am worrying about my Mum as always she is taking her Brother in law and her fathers plight very badly, and is running backwards and forwards to hospital constantly, she is also fed up and depressed with the job which in turn causes problems on the site as I am left to deal with the majority of things, and get moaned at when she is needed.

I'm not chasing any kind of sympathy, just trying to get this all off my chest and let people know why I seem so off at the moment, there is a lot going on, tie this in with the constant hunting work and training for other possible careers and you end up with a very lost and confused me, through rejection or never hearing a word from the companies I have applied too.

One person keeps me going, but they think that its not working and it does, and maybe they are right maybe I am wandering around lost in a massive ball of self pity and loathing and just trying to grasp the good things in my life with both hands and hold on, looking to the bright moment in my weeks where I can relax and be happy and not think about the things spinning around me and for that I am sorry.

Still dreaming, still wishing, still praying.......