For someone that struggled to be happy with everything through their life when I finally was happy, well it took me by surprise.
An there's the thing isn't it. Looking back to last year, trying to get my head inline once more and get ready to meet the world head on, grasping at straws applying for jobs trying to improve the person I am and move forward with a life that at the best of times is rather dark and lonely, I end up grasping back to the memories of being happy.
Now I know not everyone enjoys doing the dishes, really don't feel like building a flat pack, don't want to clean the bathroom. These are jobs we do these are things we do we have to do them, yet we groan about doing them, but we do anyway.
I didn't. I just did it, was part of being a family, was part of being there for each other. Conversations and words and actions. It was in the kiss, it was in the hug, it was in the handshake it was in every tiny little thing.
So why am I saying this? What really is putting my mind to type this out? Well I went back further. I keep looking back as far as my memory can, an I have been in this doing things as a unit, sorting stuff out as a couple and doing things that should be done. You know what they didn't make me happy, they seemed like a chore they seemed like tiresome boring can't you do it situations. Rows when building flat packs, arguments over GPS directions. Anything to get into a fight to try and work out if the other gives a damn about you or if you give a damn about them. An then just resenting yourself for being in this situation AGAIN and AGAIN.
Seems so strange to me now looking back and seeing this is happy and this is how things work to this is surviving and this is how things work.
I liked happy! Okay not a shock, really everyone actually likes happy, they just aren't always comfortable in it.
What did I do to deserve this? Well nothing. It's what you worked for!
How did I get so lucky? Well you didn't you both just click and things just work!
Then we screw up, we punish ourselves for screwing up, we shouldn't. Things go wrong and things can be sorted with thought care, conversation and actions.
I screw up all the time, I do with words with actions with thoughts with deeds, I dislike my job we all know this I am trying to find a new one and I am struggling but I am still trying never give up and all that.
But my present job is a massive mix of Marshall, Mechanic, Customer Service and Safety, these should never be mixed. As a Marshall you break the rules you have to be informed, Safety you act like an idiot you have to be informed. Customer service now there is the thing Customers generally don't like being called an idiot when they are being one. So You can't really have a Customer Service person and a Safety/Marshall person doing the same job. So I screw up and sometimes the customer service side comes out sometimes the other side comes out, but generally I'm human and you know what us humans we are really good at messing things up, but we talk to other humans and we talk to ourselves and we work things out and we get to where we are going.
Happy isn't just a state of mind, it is a state of soul. If you are happy in yourself, happy in your life and happy in your day things will always workout in the end, don't ask me how that just seems to be how it works!
Being down on yourself, being down on your life these things generally make the world a little darker and you can't seem to find the end and it comes across in how we act, how we think, and how we respond.
I have taken to hiding behind my glasses at work so people can't see my eyes as then they can never truly be sure what mood I am in and it makes the day a lot easier. Plus it stops me being more human with the customers and ignoring the rules so much, an I might be a little more neutral in some respects.
I don't want to be behind the glasses though. I want to be happy again. I enjoyed happy, yet there is always the issue of the things that made us happy in the first place.
An me, well what makes me happy is the right person in my life. The one that I care for as much as they care for me.
An well I know who that is and I know that because of rules made and things said she probably won't ever be back in my life in that way. But then rules are made to be broken and not everything we said we actually meant.
We just have to learn and accept that there are good times and bad times in our lives.
An we can fix the bad times through understanding and communication, then we can enjoy the good times more and more.
An this is stopping here, not because of distractions, but because I know what is coming next and you know what non of you need to read or hear that. You just have to look at all the possibilities of everything that can be and you will of course see the path to where you wanted to be and hope that the other person is on the same path.
Happiness, It's not overrated. It is something to savour, enjoy and try to always be.