The day in the middle, that point between death and life where I get a clear head and everything slots into place and I am able to see who I am and who I will be once I get out the other side of this massive head fuck I go through every year.
I like this day as it allows me to see me for me. I don't like being a moaning fuck but that once more is the job.
What I do like though is my beard, my hair, my coat.
The fact I wear torn jeans, I own many band T shirts and I wear them.
So this kind of links back to the whole internet dating thing, I am trying different sites and so on, but you know what's pissing me off with it more and more. The Shallowness of it all.
I am terrible for it. I really am. If i don't fancy you you got no chance.
Thats it isn't it. If you don't find someone attractive then it isn't going to happen.
An this is the dissection of me within these sites, I alter my profile to try and get the wording right and to best describe me in ways that I know. As we do not really know ourselves it is hard, we know who we think we are and then there is who we really are.
The masks we hide behind and things we show to others catch up with us.
Me I don't change, I grow. I don't alter, I learn. I adapt but the core is still me. Always will be, can't change this much noise in one head and make it stick for very long.
It's probably why I've been so crap at relationships in the past. I change for them, then I realise its not me and I snap back and well, the real me isn't who you wanted to be with. So you run away.
Only one person has ever had the real me all the way through, which is the one that hurt the most and eventually I snapped through trying to adapt to what she wanted me to be and when she couldn't work that out I broke and a broken me is not a good me to be as I just lose focus and I continually alter personalities which confuses me even more.
But today oh today I can see me, and be me as I go through my rebuild of this limbo day.
So today I am chasing Unicorns. An why do I say this? Well I am a very specific type of guy, for a very specific type of girl, that type of girls is so damn rare, as is this type of guy.
Any one got a magical carrot?