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Monday, 11 November 2013

November 12 1995

I'm still looking for the answers, I'm still searching for the key.
That will unlock my memory.
After 18 years you would think I'd be able to just go okay, I have no idea who I was but I do know who I am.
An this is the thing in my head, our youth, growing up and becoming who we are this is what shapes us, gives us purpose, hope and dreams.
What no one seems to understand is I don't have that.
November 12th 1995 it was all taken away from me.
Everything before that date is missing. That is the day I lost my memory.
Okay so I didn't wake up until November 15th 1995, my first memory and its a hazy one isn't until November 21st 1995 and its just of people I knew possibly friends but I'm not sure friendships were truly formed back then, walking to visit me in hospital as I was being driven home.
My next memory...... Yeah well that's the thing, I have bits and pieces but most of them involve me curled up on a carpet in front of the fire trying to stay warm and sleeping, lots.

This all of course makes me a bit of a mess, still to this day, never truly formed a permanent persona.
My personality is constantly in flux from day to day, I mimic, I adapt I change just to fit in.

The underlying rock/metal/punk/goth though still rings true in everything I do.
I'd not cut my hair off for no one. I'd not give up my long coats for anyone either.
They are a couple of things that make me who I am. They are standard things within me that I hold on to, which is partially my personality. Yet these are cloths and the cloths do not make the person.

My love of music, music is what holds my head together lyrics and tunes, but once more not the person they do make, this is still things I just enjoy.

Dreams? Don't have any other than finding a job I am actually good at and enjoy.
Hopes? Don't know about that either any more.

I'd like to know who I was, but anyone that knew me before I was run over can't tell me anything about me, they just don't remember me, I kept myself to myself, I had friends, yet I was young and still adapting to who I was going to be. So I changed, yet everyone said I always stand by my choice in music, an that is it and that still holds incredibly true.

Anyone that has gotten to know me after has always said I'm just random my brain flies through so many things so quickly and you are never sure who you are going to get on any given day.

I don't remember my past. I don't really have any idea who I really am. I can be different every single day.
This is no way to live in a world that you don't understand and are missing some very very large experiences from growing up with. If I was a bad person then I probably deserve everything that I am going through, but if I wasn't then is this fair?

Why am I here? What is the point?
An saying this I leave you with two songs that make sense to me......