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Sunday, 10 November 2013

Sunday. Bloody Sunday.

So, she appeared today. I don't know why. Had some awful dreams and awoke to a text message asking if I was okay, not to hard to know the time of year for me and that my dreams at present are ones of my past and attempting to find the memories buried with in my mind.

Yet it seems strange that she would contact me after two weeks of nothing.
As I said I have gigs with her coming up, while this don't seem a great thing it is still gigs and music and I like music.
My head can't unravel why she got in touch though, three weeks till the gig.
My brain is probably making more of this than is real but I don't know.
As I don't follow her tweets, or follow her on facebook I can only know what she tells me.

Does she still care?
Does she still dream of us?
I do not know. Was this year just one disaster after another..... Yeah it was.
Will she read this? I doubt it.

Can I say things that I would say to her? Of course I can and would do in a heart beat.

Would I fix this and get back with her? In a heart beat.

An that is the scary thing isn't it. I'm not even pinning my hopes on her returning one day or any day.
My dreams say she will, my heart says she will, my head says she will and my soul says she will.
So why, do I not trust my own intuition. My own instincts.

I have spent so much of my life trusting my gut it's unreal, an my gut is rarely wrong.

An this year is slowly coming to a close, will be forgotten and buried in darkness within my mind once it does.

I have tried to block her out of my head, I have tried to lock her in a room and close the door within my mind to her. Yet I get back to the first vision of her and the door way and it all floods back.

I have ignored all the feelings I get of her being down, her being up, her thinking of my and the constant ache to talk to her. I have nothing to say any more. She knows my life and my routine there is nothing new in my world for her to know or learn. But then it was never about me to me, was always about her. Being there for her, holding her hand, walking her through her world and making her smile, all I ever wanted to do was make her smile.

So many questions, so many things I can't ask.

Is the new guy treating you right? Are you happy? Hows the weather?
Or the big one What's up? I haven't asked her that. So many times I have had the feeling something is wrong and I Should ask, but when I do all I ever got in reply was yeah its okay.

Are you happy? The small talk makes me think not.

Am I happy? No, I am not happy. I still try and try as hard as I can to escape this world I seem to be locked in. To find the right job, to get myself into a world where I can be me and allows me to do something I want to do, or to learn new skills. To be the best that I could be for the one person I wanted to be the best for.

A friend, A lover, A Husband, A Partner. An Equal.
That was all I ever wanted to be for her.

An yes this is all about her, yet she could be anyone couldn't she?

But is anyone that beautiful, that thoughtful, that passionate and that unique?
An will anyone fit so perfectly within that place in my head, in my heart, in my soul?