Guess this is more of a diary post today.
Just trying to get my head into some kind of order.
I still miss her. I'm always going to. Fighting with myself not to contact her, not to look at her twitter, to stay back as far as I can and it hurts and it's hard.
I know we have gigs coming up and that will be fine, can deal with that. Always been able to deal with that.
It's mates going out and watching music, singing along and just doing what we do with gigs, which is sing, shout, dance and have fun.
I can't think of a single person I'd rather be at a gig with. Be it as a couple or as friends gigs have been something we have always done together. They are always fun and always have a good time.
It's the rest of it I miss. It's making her tea in the morning before going to work.
It's dragging her to a movie I want to see but she don't, or being dragged to a movie she wants to see and I don't. Who cared what the movie was we would be holding hands all the way through it.
Listening to her talk me through her day, or about the book she was reading, or about a dream, anything to hear her voice and the words.
Her knowing how to comfort and calm me when I have bad dreams. How that look just makes me smile so much and how its her smile that comes to my face. Only she saw that smile and only she could make it appear.
Sneaking little photos of her when she didn't want me to an the giggle as she blocked out the camera.
Yeah this is all stuff you take for granted. I never did. I never thought there would be an end but I always thought this could end at any moment. Try to make the most of every one you get as you never know when it will be your last.
My head still turns and twists with images of things I have never seen, she is still standing by me, she shouldn't be.
Yet she is still in here, my brain has a habit of deleting itself, move forwards without memory move on and be free. Yet it just keeps coming back to that glow in a doorway in a nightclub in my past and her standing there not noticing me as she walked by. I see that in my mind and it all floods back into place.
That perfect moment when the world was a nicer place before it became an awesome place and then went to hell and dragged me with it.