Another week, worlds still not really there in order, trying to attain to the variations of date and weeks and holidays with the days off and missing points that find me out of line a little more than usual, normally things like this would sort themselves out fairly simply with a few sleeps and days off but generally I am still a little lost on what day of the week it is. So am trying to sort it and get days back in order in my head.
That and this is the week so many anniversaries of deaths. which pass by and memories are wander to my relatives that die so commonly at this time of year, and the birthdays and rejoicing that also comes at this time of year. Which once more brings me back into an issue of that my father went in to hospital today for a rather serious operation that I don't understand with a 50/50 chance of success and a 50/50 chance of not coming through the other side at all, so that plays on my mind a little in some way, but that is life isn't it.
It comes with birth and ends with death and there is always the chance you can walk out the door and end up in a box and this is something I understand and accept and always have. Yet this is playing on my mind a little if not a lot what if it goes wrong, what would I do, I don't think it will but those chances still play through my head, and out of all the family by his side at this moment I am not there because as always I was told to work. So here I sit working wondering thinking pondering and being fed up as once more I get pushed into the shadows and kept out the way.
Job wise keep looking, keep applying, keep waiting to hear things back, always seem to be waiting.
And once more the new year, brings new personality traits, new versions of me created and formed and new understandings of a world I walk through once more alterations to perceptions and possibilities and a path that I still can't seem to find. With footing that is to loose to hold me up, but I walk it head held high, attempting to control an ego that could turn from confidence to arrogance within a heartbeat and seeing this memory of what I was what I am what I can be a fallen without a direction is a dangerous thing to be. Yet it can always be fun.