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Tuesday, 4 June 2013

I Wasn't going to blog today

I wasn't going to blog today but a conversation with a friend which turned into her asking a question. What is Love? So I replied with this. An I thought I should share it because this to me is what love is. I know its old fashioned and daft but it's just what it is in my head and I only found it once. I lost it once as well.

What is Love.

To me. It's missing someone 5 seconds after they walked out the door.
Its being able to talk to that person about everything and anything.
Its about not noticing the bad things and adoring the good things.
It's knowing its a bad day but that smile you see when you walk in will be there.
Its knowing that the person next to you in bed is dreaming of you as you will be of them.
Its understanding.
Its helping.
Its caring.
Feeling how they feel and just knowing they aren't okay.
Feeling how they feel and just knowing they are great.
The spark of electricity that runs across your lips as they touch.
Fancying the fuck out of them above all others.
Realising they are beautiful even if they have had a bad day and think they look a mess.
Seeing them shine as they stand in front of you in a darkened room.

It's not finishing sentences, it's not working out what they want. Its knowing what they want.
Its being caught by surprise and not expecting things. 
It's being happy and safe in knowing that they feel the same for you.
And above all else and the one thing its the knowing you don't want anyone else.

Monday, 3 June 2013

I think its time I gave up the secret to my past my darkness and my mental state.

An now before you start thinking this is all a moan about my relationship troubles, well lack of relationship with the woman of my dreams and the love of my life it isn't though it might get crammed in here but then it may not.

So Why Fallen?
I shall start by saying my past isn't exactly great, in my head its rather hazy, very hazy and a bit random. Not all things come out in the correct order. But this is how I got the name Fallen and why things don't always come out in the right order after all. ( I survived a hit and run so Fallen From Grace I just don't know a Grace)

I'm now 34, and most people would think that after 18 years of living how I do I would have gotten used to it.
Small Bit of information. You try surviving a hit an run from a drunk driver doing 70mph and mounting the pavement wiping out your past your memories and then see if you can get over it in 18 years.
For sure you should be able to, well yes but I still get random flashbacks of things from my life I had long forgotten, I still lose days where my mind wipes itself out due to stress or trauma and I still suffer with a lot of soft tissue damage and busted knees, which lets be honest if you see my day job and all the running around and bending I do I'm surprised I have only had my knees rebuilt twice.
Any way, after said hit and run at the end of the first half term of my first year in College! I vanished from college for a while, had to drop out of my A Levels, never got them and eventually went back to study IT. HND Level 3 to be exact. Yeah that didn't work either had to stay away from PC screens for a year due to the possibility I could develop epilepsy and as I had been known to black out they weren't going to risk it. Plus its collage I'm trying to work out who I am, was in a fair amount of pain, the morphine tablets made me sick, alcohol didn't, we can see why I flunked out of the HND can't we. I wasn't ready.
So off to the land of Doctors and Nurses, who for some god for known reason were more interested in trying to work out how I survived and how much my brain was damaged than actually trying to fix me.
So this screwed me up quiet a lot.

18. First real job, yes I went and I got a real job, I started on my 18th Birthday and where was it Games Workshop. Had a wonderful manager when I started Paul Green, he knew I was in and out of hospital a lot (7 years) and didn't mind me taking the days off I needed to get things sorted as long as i booked them in in advance, loved it this was great, unfortunately he resigned his managers position very soon after I started due to stress. I had all my hospital appointments booked in some of them could not be changed or I'd end up at the back of the waiting list. An that was anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. Not an issue new manager would see them booked and the reasons behind them and would obviously honour them..... NO.
He wouldn't so Scott, I forget his surname, I remember he was from New Zealand as he was shocked that I could tell the difference between the accent from Australian, no idea how I could I just could, have lived around farms for years so its probably something in-bedded in my past I couldn't remember.
I moved most but one I couldn't and I had to take them morning off still got into work was only an hour late and I had given so much advanced warning it was unreal.
So 4 months in and suddenly I have had a complaint against me! Where did this come from what day did it happen on why was this hanging over me? I wasn't in work on the date the complaint said. I could prove it as well. No it was a complaint against me and it was this date and I was fired! Well I could prove I wasn't in work that day and I could prove it wasn't me but hey ho I'm not going to fight this it isn't worth the reduced hours and less pay if I win. So will go find something else and move on.
Later that day I found he had pulled the same trick on the old manager and a few weeks later he was fired himself. So Karma.
ITEC and meeting my best male friend, the jobcentre didn't know what to do with me I refused to go disabled and still do to this day. Though I am guessing now a days it is going to be a lot harder for me to get a blue badge. So I went to ITEC on New Deal, yay 20 weeks learning NVQ Level 2 IT. 3 days doing level 2 IT and 19 weeks of teaching CLAIT. in reality. My IT skills were a little advanced by then already.
So out we go back into the world of work..... Wilkinson that's so spelt wrong. 6 weeks over Christmas and done. back to the Jobcentre, and straight back into the disability office as once more no one knows what to do with me.
We seeing a pattern here?
I eventually get an office job, it sucks I do another training qualification in Windows office but nothing that can actually help me get work and the company goes under.
My folks offer me work in there garden centre running the office there, off I go to do that for minimum wage. well I say minimum wage I don't think it existed then.
And this company starts going under. Another pattern? bloody hope not.
So quick change of service and Scalextric Racing is born!
Yeah that job I do for less than minimum wage for the last 9 years which is 7 days a week 52 weeks a year no weekend off bah one and am the only person on site 90% of the time that place.
Seriously screwed over by own family thank you very much.

So in 9 years this job has ruined, 3 relationships. lots of friendships and that one special someone that I could never bare to be without who know don't feel the same way, yeah this bit stops here.

There is my life in the last few years, there have been other jobs and things I have done, there have been girls and beer and all manner of things I just don't remember.

So as I now sit here and wait for my best friend to be deleted from my head........ yeah that isn't going to happen I thought it would as this has been a stressful week but she is locked in here tight. Thats how I know she is my one. Sucks don't it she never goes away. Sorry sorry.

So run over by a drunk driver hence the name Fallen as I didn't die, yes it was lucky but the pain and the head injury not so helpful.
My reasons for going blank on my project and finding it hard to focus once more head injury and stress of the one I love bailing on me.
And yeah I know you didn't ask but It was possibly time I shared and now its a big blog so I can just say read this instead of going read this cryptic poem I wrote many decades ago.

Still Fallen. the 013 that I forget, I do I can't remember why 013 at all there was a reason it's just been lost in time.