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Friday, 29 November 2013

So tired of it all going wrong.

2013 never really got going for me.
I lost the woman of my dreams.
I have been turned down for every single job I have chased.
I have had things just go wrong when they shouldn't have.
Everything has failed to get off the ground.
Everyone is tired of me moaning, an just don't seem to hang around any more.
Everything I do seems to turn to mush.

2012 was amazing. I liked 2012 I loved 2012.
2013 has been a hard year so far.
2013 has seen the most beautiful and amazing lady I have ever known in my life turn from best friend to nothing.
2013 has seen new people come in and leave.
2013 has seen me be used, be abused and be treated like nothing more than a door mat.

I fought so hard to get what I had in 2012, and I continued to fight for it. I still would if I thought it was worth it, to me it still is, but to others it's not. Why struggle when you can make do.

I have watched my friends worlds fall to bits to and it's just been a year of upset and bullshit.

An this, the last thing of the year I had to look forward to has been taken away.

So I am sat in the cold, alone, and lost, tears rolling down my face, and who cares?

My life is just shocking, and I have been trying for so long to change it, it's all I seem to remember.

An I am so tired of it now. So tired of trying. Yet if I give up and accept it then I am not me.
All I have done is fight, fight and fight and for what? For nothing. Wasted energy wasted time and wasted effort in everything i have done.

This job, I can't escape. The person that I connected with so perfectly gone.
My home empty and cold, my work empty and cold, my world empty and cold.
Autumn year coming to an end, wishing my world was to. Shadows still playing in my mind of happier perfect times. Knowing the future knowing what would be seeing such an amazing and happy world a world I lived for a world I belonged in and a world I loved.

Seems I Was the only one that did I guess.

I'm so tired of it all going wrong. I'm so tired of nothing working out, I'm trying to find a way forward and it's not there.

No end in sight anymore, not even my own would stop this.

Broken and beaten I lay, lost beauty, lost purpose, lost space and lost in time. I shouldn't be. Yet I am.

Spent forever waiting for the one, got the one, lost the one. Yet they don't see that they changed I never really did. Lies within lies that were told to yourself to make things okay and they never were. An now, well that last broken promise. Not somthing I ever broke and never would have.

So, tears, an end, a loss, or just lost? Something please go right for me, just for once can something go right for me. Before I reach that point where I lose all hope and myself.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Thursday again!

It's thursday once more.
How am I feeling.... Up's and down's.
What am I thinking. Still hate this job. Was a long night last night. An working on my day off just generally drag me down a bit.

So in 7 days what have I done?
Well I applied for more front end designer jobs. So am expecting to hear nothing back from them again.
I'm going to take a guess that I am just applying for the same job over and over and they just keep moving the company putting it out there and they can't find the right candidate so i just keep applying for a job that isn't there.
As a web designer, a bad one possibly I do have the ability to see who has been looking at my website via the varying levels of tracking code I have hidden within it. An I apply for jobs, get the reply, check the analytics for the week and find they never even looked.
CV's are great but helps if you actually follow the bits that show your work and ability. I'd do some amazingly awesome HTML based CV but when you are going through agencies they wouldn't even open it.
So you end up restricted to a 500kb PDF file that shows nothing, so you hope they look at the web sites it links to so they can see what you actually do. An as I get bored I reshape the site weekly.

Gig Saturday am looking forward to that, not too fussed about the 1st support band, am looking forward to hardcore superstar and Buckcherry though. Live music rocks. Get to jump up and down and sing a bit, just a few albums behind with Buckcherry though. I should possibly put the albums into the present cycle.

Load of Herenkoa Human mockups flying out of ZBrush at the moment, they have appeared in a blog on here are all over my Facebook and also twitter feeds. An if you came from one of them to here I'd be impressed as I don't like either accounts to this. Actually I don't link any of my social media to each other.
Maybe I should...... Na bad idea.

My brothers 33rd yesterday. Went to my folks to give him his birthday present. He was appreciative of it. He'll never get out of my folks place. Not for trying but because he just don't earn enough. The younger one will never leave the Folks place cause it is cheaper to live at home than on your own.

I complain I am trapped but they are to, they just accept it better I guess.

At least I am only trapped till I find a new employer.

Right back to the designing stuff, web for for the last 90 minutes of my day I guess.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

It's one of them days.

I often wonder who I would have been if events in my life hadn't dramatically altered the path I was on.
Would I have been as complicated. Would I have fluctuated so much in who I am and can be.
Would I have grown out of my anger. Would I have cared about anyone else but myself.
An there is the thing. I don't remember who I was before I died. I go by what I have been told and what I have discovered about myself and grown up hearing about the monster I was.
Was I ever that monster though?
Or was I just another alternative teenager who no one understood and was just picked on lots and bullied.
What in my past is true and what in my past is a lie.
I am used to being all over the shop. I really am shattered personality and forever changing idea's of who I am and everything else, you get used to it.
Yeah I could see the quack and get drugs and be all level and balanced, but then I'd not be me. I've seen friends go from incredibly creative and original to "normal" if you can say sat on the couch looking content to watch mindless drivel normal.
Now me I know I go through manic creative spells, which are becoming shorter and shorter as I appear to spiral into low moments now more often than I like.

I would rather be one person though and not many.

I'd rather be balance and happy, and to be balanced I have to be happy. An I haven't been that for a long time.....

Monday, 25 November 2013

So, I've been thinking about the ZBrush thing and.....

Me and ZBrush, so far all I seem to do is things I want to do, I sculpt and work on models and idea's that I want to build, maybe it's time I started looking at other things.
I know I got a request to do something for someone and while I have been working on it yeah. Will come back to that when I think I can actually talk about it.

I was just thinking maybe I should do something that everyone wants to see.
For example, a Batman model, an Ironman model, A Space Marine! No chance am I doing a damn space marine, but in general I should take someone elses idea and run with it to show I can actually do it and hate myself forever afterwards.

Conforming to fit in. Was never that great at conforming.

Thoughts people.

Orcannas of Orcus the City of the Dead.

So this picture above, I did this a few months ago. It was my playing with this idea about doing more cartoony characters for Herenkoa and throwing away the idea of making everything overly realistic for the game, while keeping the game as close to myths, legends and realistic science as I could. 
It's a basic design around the idea of Dragon Warriors, from ancient China. 
Here is the thing, I am not even sure if Dragon Warriors really exist or if it is something I have made up from watching films over the years!

Now I wrote a piece and created a city called Orcus. I think it is on the map, the idea was this will be the dead city and everyone that was housed there had died and no one could work out why. So it was just known as the city of the dead. It's in greek mythology go look it up. Any way while I was researching this and getting my facts right I had this secondary idea. What is the city wasn't dead! What if this was just a story they created to hide from the war? 
At which point I came to this idea of them living under the city, they created this underground city and the aboveground city died away. Yet they scared off anyone trying to settle the city about producing the whole city of the dead issue and scaring everyone away.

The only issue I have with them living under the city is that it kind of links with the Centaur/Minotaur concept in a way that I did with the city of Minous and how this race came to exist with them being in a labyrinth beneath the city. Which they don't they were created there and then over ran the city itself.

Any way this leads me on to the idea of the City of Orcus and the tribe that dwells in the city Orcannans the way they hide is they fashion their armour to look like well that below and from a distance they look like fiendish monsters but under the armour they are just humans. So how is that for a concept? Having a human army that hides under their armour to make the world think they are monsters. An this all comes from the Dragon Warrior idea I was playing with a few months ago just to practise my ZBrush skills. The image below is the initial armour concept for this new tribe. 

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Creativity or too much time on my hands?

So, gone back to using Zbrush as it's one of them things I should be doing, learning software to improve my skills and expand my knowledge, as always. I have got some regular sculpting to do as well but that's just something I am doing to keep my hand in. These things may never be seen, or they may get seen eventually. Don't know yet. Haven't decided. They are a bit different to my normal work. Plus of course the usual buying the odd random company model and painting them up to keep my hand in there as well.
Just thought I would put the Zbrush work in here. It appears everywhere at the moment. 

Friday, 22 November 2013

Ego, confidence, arrogance?

So I am trying to develop an ego. I am trying to build confidence in my skills and with it I guess self worth and maybe the ability to like who I am. Though I do like who I am, just not my surroundings or my situation.
Which in turn leads to the possibility of I do actually have an ego?
I never like what I design I am my own worst critic, yet I designed it and I will carry on designing it and building upon it to make it better constantly tweaking the idea till I get it right. I always believe in the idea so does that mean I do have confidence?
I just don't trust my own feedback so I rely on other people's as I have faith in their views and that they will be honest with me and once I start ripping my own idea to bits they will normally put me in my place.
I know who I am and I realise I rely on others.
Yet I also know that if I let myself believe in myself and build my confidence up to much I can tip and become arrogant and I didn't like him.

I need keeping in my place and the reassurance that what I am doing is good or right, but you can never let me believe too much in myself or the scales would tip and that, that is not the person I ever want to be again.

noun: ego; plural noun: egos
a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
"he needed a boost to his ego"
synonyms: self-esteem, self-importance, self-worth, self-respect, self-conceit, self-image, self-confidence; More
the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
(in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.

noun: confidence
the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.
"we had every confidence in the staff"
synonyms: trust, belief, faith, credence, conviction; More
antonyms: distrust, scepticism
the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
"I can say with confidence that I have never before driven up this street"
a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.
"she's brimming with confidence"
synonyms: self-assurance, self-confidence, self-reliance, belief in oneself, faith in oneself, positiveness, assertiveness, self-possession, nerve, poise, aplomb, presence of mind, phlegm, level-headedness, cool-headedness, firmness, courage, boldness, mettle, fortitude More
antonyms: doubt, uncertainty
the telling of private matters or secrets with mutual trust.
"someone with whom you may raise your suspicions in confidence"
a secret or private matter told to someone under a condition of trust.
plural noun: confidences
"the girls exchanged confidences about their parents"
synonyms: secret, private affair, confidential matter, confidentiality, intimacy

noun: arrogance
the quality of being arrogant.
"the arrogance of this man is astounding"
synonyms: haughtiness, conceit, hubris, self-importance, egotism, sense of superiority; More
antonyms: humility, modesty

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Thursday Rummagings.

I don't know why but I am liking this thursday diary idea at the moment and might keep it up. I may not this is me after all and I have a habit of changing my mind without warning.

So today, after a massive amount of idea's running through my head about somethings I decided to open ZBrush, not been in there for months, had lost my spark and well while I am on a role of creative ideas and thoughts I decided I should run with it. My next project books to enlighten as It shall be known and The Jars are still going along smoothly though am running out of time to finish them and I haven't even started books to enlighten was just an idea last night while laying in bed trying to work out what to do.

Don't let the names make you think they are going to be something amazing or deep and meaningful they aren't they are just little projects that I have had wandering my head for a while just couldn't get level enough to actually do them. An presently I am feeling rather artistic so I am hoping this energy will get put to good use and they will be finished but there is a lot of work to do.

Job searching again as always on a thursday I don't know why job searching on thursdays seems to be what I do, but I do and it is mainly seasonal work and that is not what I want. So it's a bit of a dead end today in that respect, I'm trying to find a job that gets me out of working every single weekend. An allows me be creative as I can be and well to go from retail to retail seems like a stupid idea in my head.

I'm still a bit all over the place in my head but now that week has passed I seem to be more balanced which for me is an unusual thing. Have music playing as I wrote that brief music blog last night I have added the extra Albums into my play list, so Fortress is in there, I have added hail to the king back in but don't think anything will change my mind on that album.

My Herenkoa book carries on gaining ground, though the 4000 words or so sent to people asking if this makes sense no one has actually got back to me about and some of them have had it a very very very long time and never commented.

With the influx of kickstart and the amount of games companies appearing I am reaching the point where final gamez might go the way of the DoDo, it is becoming a saturated market out there and is it worth pushing to be a little fish in a massive ocean, or do I just keep pushing my skills and hope one of the ones that actually made it stick picks me up?

When January rolls round and the web site is due for renewal we will see, at this moment I'm thinking of saving the money and reducing myself down to one web site and letting final gamez disappear and I will just put out my work through my portfolio site for free, no models just the rules and back grounds as a promotion for myself.

Though it isn't january yet so we will have to wait and see.

Will just keep pushing on learning more and more about web design and breaking the rules of how web sites should look, layout and be.

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Music, my love, my passion, my life......

Music is my first love. Always.
An though music brings us all different emotions thoughts and feelings, we have differences in what we like what we listen to what we choose to fill out heads with it all comes back to good tunes, lyrics, timing for me.

So as I lack someone to talk music with at the moment, that is on the same level as me musically I turn to here, an this isn't a review, this is a personal adventure into music and what I think what I feel and what I like and for you well or you all it will be different.

So Music shopping I have been, and there is a fair amount of stuff kicking around in my collection now that I haven't gotten to talk about to anyone.

Black Sabbath. 13. It is a Black Sabbath album, you get exactly what you expect but three times as long as normal, which is nice. Song's not conforming to that normal method of 3 minutes and try to repeat as much as possible to fill it out.

Motorhead. Aftershock. Once more its Motorhead being just that Motorhead with some bluesy bits and some slow downed tracks, and the usual splatter of thrashed up to the eyeballs power Rock 'n' Roll.

Five Finger Death Punch. The wrong side of heaven the righteous side of hell Volume One & Two.
I'm doing these two together, I borrowed Vol One and Bought Volume Two, and after getting volume two they have been on permanent rotation all day! I've seen them live three times an they just don't do it for me live I don't know why but on CD I think they are amazing, a complete mixture of great guitar work, impressive lyrics and altering song dynamics, just amazing me to be honest, really enjoying the way the songs change and the stories they tell. They are starting to really carve out their own sound and I do hope they last, if they keep pushing harder with their writing and musical ability they should go far.

Stone Sour. House of gold and bones part 1 & 2.
Now I give the stone sour guys there dues they are amazing musicians but I did go off them a bit with Audio Secrecy, just didn't impress me and I have given this double album some play through but not enough to really give a definitive have they saved themselves moment. I just I don't know some good tracks on there but not enough to make me play it in loop like come what (ever) may or Stone Sour.

Soil. Whole. Just feels like its trying to be Scars, and to be honest it should be. Its that line up once more, just I don't know feels like they are trying to hard?

Nine Inch Nails. Hesitation Marks. Another it's Nine Inch Nails and everything you could expect and more another amazingly put together album that still makes my heart break and race with both anguish and joy.

Motionless in White.
I picked up infamous, and their first album Creatures, not sure if they are more akin to Wednesday 13 or Marilyn Manson yet, with some Alice Cooper thrown in just for kicks, they are growing on me and are an interesting band would like to see them live hopefully they will be in the UK next year and I can get a bit more of a feel for them.

Avenge Seven Fold. Hail To The King....
How many rifts can you rip off? I know everyone was joking about it but I do find my self singing the wrong song, seriously! If it comes on and it isn't often as I don't have it in a rotation like everything above, I have given it a play through and I end up singing different songs to what is playing. Nightmares the only good AX7 album and I stand by it. Hail to the King, na you're alright, go buy one of the other albums in this list.

Korn The paradigm Shift. I own it. I have heard the few singles off it and while I do like them an the album is better than that last travesty I'm still a little unsure, it just don't feel like Korn which is funny as its got the most original members they have had for a while!

AFI Burials. I am really enjoying this album but 17 Crimes is such a catchy tune even if the video for it sucks so badly. It is what you come to expect from AFI, an any band that releases new stuff and stays with what they know works well for me as that is what you expect.

I have three or four more albums still to listen to properly, but its finding the time.

Tentatively and slowly coming back to designing......

So I have been a lot lost, things seem to have balanced out a bit now and I once more kind of have a direction though it is possibly the wrong direction. But all the same I am coming to grips with my insanity and getting through the darkness of my head, been a hard slog and my usual 3 days taking me 7 to deal with wasn't helpful but I got through it and while there is still a lot of darkness in here which I am trying to hold off I am getting there. I have done a couple of new designs too! Shockingly and possibly selfishly they are both things for me, one is a concept for a new tattoo I am going to get done some time soon and the other is the outline for my next custom trench coat as I do like my coats to be custom, so a couple of things done, shall drop them in the bottom of here and see what the world thinks. Though please don't steal them.

Monday, 18 November 2013

Dreams... The kind behind the walls of sleep...

We all dream, we dream we file away memories and we place our days into compartments in our heads, we go through the darkness in our dreams, we go through the light, we are brought back to happier times and sadder times through the dreams we relive while we sleep at night.

I don't dream often, but when I do I recall all of the dream.
My dreams often lead to things to come in my life, never understood why but if I have dreamed it then it nearly always happens. I get random memories the same things pop up that haven't happened and I describe things to come long before they happen.

Yet they are dreams, so they are memories of days that have been and things my head is sorting. So they could be nothing more than Dejavu.

So predicting that I would die before I was 17. Did that nearly a year before I died!
Saying my best friend was pregnant with twins before she knew.
These are just two of the things I saw well in advance that came to pass.

But then there are things which never feel right, when my time line changes from what I have dreamed things feel wrong, at present things feel wrong, have done for a while yet they are going as I dreamed.

Which once more is just confusing, if I knew this is how things were going to go why the hell am I such a mess? I should just be following the path as I have been doing for so long.

Yet there is the thing the one thing I need to change in my life I can't see changing. Which is the job, it has to change, I have to escape where I am to move forward with my life and I just can't seem to find a job, I keep applying but no one is getting back to me, and the few that do are sorry you have not been successful this time. I have never dreamed of a different job. An this is what makes me wonder if I ever will find a new job. Now I know they are dreams and have no relevance to anything surely?

Any way rolling back to dreams. My dreams for once last night were not the nightmares I have been having of late, which makes me think that I have finally settled. My dreams last night were of waking up on different mornings throughout the years that have just gone.

Everyone was wake up, look at the duvet and the clock go oh and roll back over to sleep once more, wake up again, differen duvet different clock and so on, my head was tagging the dates as I went through this as well. It has been a few years worth of waking up to boot. Things around had changed, so started without the TV in the window and without the curtains. Wasn't always alone either. So my dreams showed me my past, and ended with that smile I came to love being there to before finally waking up in the here and now 5 minutes before my alarm went off.

I have no idea what it means, I have no idea where I am going or what is happening at present.
All I know is that is will eventually work out in the end.

I'd like to be..... me?

I'm a problem fixer. That is what I do I fix other peoples problems.
People talk to me about their problems and I listen and I parrot it back to them in different words so they can hear what they are saying and then can work it all out for themselves. 
Thats what I do and as soon as you take away other people from my life I sit trying to work out my own.
An well my own life, isn't that exciting. Yeah I have issues but I used to not talk about them, generally because I was to busy dealing with everyone else. 
An thats it as the world moves forward and you fix these things they no longer need you to do it for them.
So you kind of run out of people to talk to. As well if you only came to me in the first place to walk you through the problem then there isn't much left on the other side.
So now the problem is over you have normal conversations and then these just fizzle out and the silence sets in and I get bored, so I start to dissect myself in order to fix my own problems. An I have MANY, mainly because I've spent my time helping everyone else and not helping me.

In the reality of it all I am actually a shy person, I stay back out the way and hide in the shadows.
I reply and i talk but as my life experiences of late mainly involve being stuck in a shed with nothing else to do I don't have a lot to talk about, plus I have developed a hatred for slot cars and while its my job and in work i can talk about it a fair amount as well, it is my job, I don't enjoy it.

I like to talk about films, music, games and gigs. I'd say TV but I still don't watch a lot of it. An of course I like to learn new stuff, always wanting to fill my head with new knowledge and information. 

Want to know what destroys most of my relationships? 
When they stop talking to me. When my partner actually stops telling me about their day!
What is on their mind, what made them smile, what made them angry or what made them sad.

It is nice to chillout and relax but it's also nice to talk and chat about the day, the weather, the dreams and the nightmares. It's what we do, it's why social media works, we actually like to know that the day is going well for someone we care about, or don't care about as we are a very snoopy species.

It's possibly why my facebook rarely gets posted on, why my twitter gets posted on somewhat more. 
Facebook is for friends, Twitter is for random people.

I digress, I do that to as we know. 

So I want to be me, I want to remember who I was, an my memory of who I was is the guy that talked to people and listened. I was also creative and built and wrote stuff, yet that was always to only impress one person and I know this. Was all I was ever trying to do, right up until the end I was trying to do that, I was just trying to impress them how I thought they wanted to be impressed and you know what I was wrong.

It has never been about buying stuff it has always been about building things and creating things.

I am just lacking the inspiration at the moment, an while I fight to find it once more and I will and I shall try and impress her but it is possibly too late. I would also like to remember who I am, as I am really unsure of who I am. Which is down to that everyone I talk to has different memories of me and the only time I wasn't a chameleon was with her. So find me, remind me make me me once more.

Friday, 15 November 2013


The act of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result............

I've never done the same thing over and over. Or have I and just don't remember?

Oh the spiral that is my head and my life and my world.
Repetition of my day which creates for me a dark and crowded sight.
While when release to freedom I see things in very different light.

A chance is all I ever did need to be explosive as can be, the random acts which befall myself are just that within the time of themselves.
I never know what I shall do I don't plan or act I just do, so from a moment of clarity to madness that no one else see's, I am not insane I have my sanity but my actions seem to strange to believe.

From building this to writing that to wondering why theres a cat! I never know what will come next or who will stand here to vex the most creative points of view with in the darkness that was you, or me you see I never did know which way I turned or where to go, watching the path as it unfurls showing rabbit holes and ways to turn.

This distraction I follow now is not an end but a start to light from where the end of the darkness does follow from its feet to head to touch to eyes to see, there is no where you will go, with out me I should not know but lost in time I am so much and yet I'm free to build and curse, and while this seems to make no sense in here a message to myself, or to you but not from me maybe there you can see that though this is just words in scribble the time to find the never ending middle within what was once so dark yet light shines through like a spark the candles that burn one day will end but then they shall ignite again and with this when you have no clue of what I say I say to you or me or them but who should know for your message is hidden in snow, as white and pure as time itself buried beneath a hidden shelf.

Or on a table in full view I never know when it was you, but I do know that this is me in words and pictures that non can see, for I still hide in shadows and night, wrapped in wings of angles flight and cowering under a hood that hides this mind from prying eyes.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Chasing Unicorns.

Oh look its Thursday, what a surprise! Okay so maybe not, I do seem to do this thing where I write some kind of diary or random thoughts in my skull on Thursdays.

Today it's what I mean by chasing unicorns.
It is a double metaphor really, I am looking for the perfect job the right one the one that will hire me and take me on and let me do what it is I am meant to do, give me the freedom to have a life and be at peace with myself, settle down, have time to spend with a partner and maybe a family.

It's also about the search for the right partner. Some one that is my friend and talks to me as I talk to them about everything and anything, someone that I am comfortable around as they are around me and someone that I make as happy as they make me.

The partner thing, well there is the bigger of the problems, I have always thought you only get one soul mate, one person that matches you perfectly, once person that you can hear in your head and in your heart. An well I lost that. So now It is a case of chasing the Unicorn. Why? Well if there is more than one I won't be happy unless I have that one. An I'd like to be happy again.

Once you have had perfection, no matter how imperfect the person is, it's hard to find that spark in anyone else.

The job thing, well one day I will get the words right on that covering letter, my CV will be exactly what the company is looking for and I will have that job, someone will take the risk and it will be the best risk they ever took.

As for Unicorns, well I found this below.

According to Noah Webster, back in the early 1800’s it was understood that there were two species of the rhinoceros. The one-horned species was called “unicorn,” and the two-horned species was called “bicornis.”
Today it is understood that there are five species of the rhinoceros, three of which have two horns, and two of which have one horn.
So basically, if you get a 200-year-old Noah Webster’s dictionary and look up the word “unicorn” it says “rhinoceros,” and if you look up the word “rhinoceros” it says “unicorn.” That was just 200 years ago. The King James was translated 400 years ago in 1611. One does not have to be good at math to figure this out.
Today’s definition of the word “unicorn” says absolutely nothing about a rhinoceros, and today’s definition of “rhinoceros” says absolutely nothing about a unicorn. The definitions have changed over time.
So, if the definition of “unicorn” has changed in just the past 200 years from rhinoceros to horse, then it doesn't make much sense to take a modern definition of the word “unicorn” and apply it to a 400-year-old translation of the Bible. That’s illogical.

Yes I know I used a creation today post.
It just shows that its possibly not mythical, just bad translation.
That in itself is another metaphor.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Limbo Day

The day in the middle, that point between death and life where I get a clear head and everything slots into place and I am able to see who I am and who I will be once I get out the other side of this massive head fuck I go through every year.

I like this day as it allows me to see me for me. I don't like being a moaning fuck but that once more is the job.

What I do like though is my beard, my hair, my coat.
The fact I wear torn jeans, I own many band T shirts and I wear them.

So this kind of links back to the whole internet dating thing, I am trying different sites and so on, but you know what's pissing me off with it more and more. The Shallowness of it all.

I am terrible for it. I really am. If i don't fancy you you got no chance.
Thats it isn't it. If you don't find someone attractive then it isn't going to happen.

An this is the dissection of me within these sites, I alter my profile to try and get the wording right and to best describe me in ways that I know. As we do not really know ourselves it is hard, we know who we think we are and then there is who we really are.

The masks we hide behind and things we show to others catch up with us.

Me I don't change, I grow. I don't alter, I learn. I adapt but the core is still me. Always will be, can't change this much noise in one head and make it stick for very long.

It's probably why I've been so crap at relationships in the past. I change for them, then I realise its not me and I snap back and well, the real me isn't who you wanted to be with. So you run away.
Only one person has ever had the real me all the way through, which is the one that hurt the most and eventually I snapped through trying to adapt to what she wanted me to be and when she couldn't work that out I broke and a broken me is not a good me to be as I just lose focus and I continually alter personalities which confuses me even more.

But today oh today I can see me, and be me as I go through my rebuild of this limbo day.

So today I am chasing Unicorns. An why do I say this? Well I am a very specific type of guy, for a very specific type of girl, that type of girls is so damn rare, as is this type of guy.

Any one got a magical carrot?

Monday, 11 November 2013

November 12 1995

I'm still looking for the answers, I'm still searching for the key.
That will unlock my memory.
After 18 years you would think I'd be able to just go okay, I have no idea who I was but I do know who I am.
An this is the thing in my head, our youth, growing up and becoming who we are this is what shapes us, gives us purpose, hope and dreams.
What no one seems to understand is I don't have that.
November 12th 1995 it was all taken away from me.
Everything before that date is missing. That is the day I lost my memory.
Okay so I didn't wake up until November 15th 1995, my first memory and its a hazy one isn't until November 21st 1995 and its just of people I knew possibly friends but I'm not sure friendships were truly formed back then, walking to visit me in hospital as I was being driven home.
My next memory...... Yeah well that's the thing, I have bits and pieces but most of them involve me curled up on a carpet in front of the fire trying to stay warm and sleeping, lots.

This all of course makes me a bit of a mess, still to this day, never truly formed a permanent persona.
My personality is constantly in flux from day to day, I mimic, I adapt I change just to fit in.

The underlying rock/metal/punk/goth though still rings true in everything I do.
I'd not cut my hair off for no one. I'd not give up my long coats for anyone either.
They are a couple of things that make me who I am. They are standard things within me that I hold on to, which is partially my personality. Yet these are cloths and the cloths do not make the person.

My love of music, music is what holds my head together lyrics and tunes, but once more not the person they do make, this is still things I just enjoy.

Dreams? Don't have any other than finding a job I am actually good at and enjoy.
Hopes? Don't know about that either any more.

I'd like to know who I was, but anyone that knew me before I was run over can't tell me anything about me, they just don't remember me, I kept myself to myself, I had friends, yet I was young and still adapting to who I was going to be. So I changed, yet everyone said I always stand by my choice in music, an that is it and that still holds incredibly true.

Anyone that has gotten to know me after has always said I'm just random my brain flies through so many things so quickly and you are never sure who you are going to get on any given day.

I don't remember my past. I don't really have any idea who I really am. I can be different every single day.
This is no way to live in a world that you don't understand and are missing some very very large experiences from growing up with. If I was a bad person then I probably deserve everything that I am going through, but if I wasn't then is this fair?

Why am I here? What is the point?
An saying this I leave you with two songs that make sense to me......

Sunday, 10 November 2013

Ramblings of an Insane Mind

I ramble, I do, as I journey through my mind, through my past, through my future, through the images which form and the visions they bring. The probabilities the possibilities the way things form the way they scream the silence of my head and the darkest parts of my subconscious.

Why the blog?
To converse with me as I have no one to talk to about the things in my head.

An there is so much in here, from emotional stuff, to idea's and thoughts for things, to just reviewing the world, failing to understand and just my daily journey through life in general.

Some is relevant, some is irrelevant, some is hypothetical, some is just pathetic, though all is what wanders within my mind.

As I try to find my way through my life. A lot of my world is a mystery to me, I'm a little socially backwards.
Though that is my world, spent so long working alone, and being alone my social skills have been a little stunted I guess. Though I am hoping if I can find a new job my social ability will return as I am able to become more social.

I myself know I have become quite lost within my own world, trying to make sense of everything. A wish for simpler times, well if you've been reading my exploits over the last few weeks you might be able to see what I mean.

My moods come and go, change and alter, I wander between depression and hyperactivity a fair bit, yet I do wonder how much of the hyper side I actually fake.

I find myself talking to people less and less, an hiding once more in shadows of my world, while I do talk to a couple of people but they are just looking out for me which is nice of them.  I am thankful to them for holding me together.

Yet it is myself that has to hold me together, I don't do such a good job.

Random Motion Of Thought

My motion of blogging is as random as it comes, I feel I need to say something and I type.
The words flow freely as I do, when I need to say it what I need to say, my head just goes this is what you should write this is how it should sound, this is how my random out of no where blogs are formed.

We know how I let myself go and I write, but the titles come afterwards. They are just what I feel it should be. Emotion fuels some of them, thoughts fuel the others, idea's actions but everything is just what I feel needs to be said, to who ever will read it. While you read it makes the world think, gives you direction then my words have made a difference to your world.

All of you, no one person, these are written in a hope to light the way for all.

Showing the bad, showing the good, showing what could be and what couldn't. They are general references to life, an I am not preaching to you all, though it sounds like it some days.

If it touches one person though and shows you that things are bad they can get better, things are low but can be higher, things are dark but there is light then I have done something good in this world.

I have lost my place, but I hope to find it one day once more. An as I look through the things in my head and see the world turning and the paths going forward I hope you can see the similarities in your own lives and worlds, I hope these random writings give you hope, or faith in your situations.

As I said I'm not preaching, just typing what my head wants me to say, what I feel it is time to say, what it is that goes through my fingers to this keyboard.

Happiness was never overrated.

For someone that struggled to be happy with everything through their life when I finally was happy, well it took me by surprise.
An there's the thing isn't it. Looking back to last year, trying to get my head inline once more and get ready to meet the world head on, grasping at straws applying for jobs trying to improve the person I am and move forward with a life that at the best of times is rather dark and lonely, I end up grasping back to the memories of being happy.

Now I know not everyone enjoys doing the dishes, really don't feel like building a flat pack, don't want to clean the bathroom. These are jobs we do these are things we do we have to do them, yet we groan about doing them, but we do anyway.

I didn't. I just did it, was part of being a family, was part of being there for each other. Conversations and words and actions. It was in the kiss, it was in the hug, it was in the handshake it was in every tiny little thing.

So why am I saying this? What really is putting my mind to type this out? Well I went back further. I keep looking back as far as my memory can, an I have been in this doing things as a unit, sorting stuff out as a couple and doing things that should be done. You know what they didn't make me happy, they seemed like a chore they seemed like tiresome boring can't you do it situations. Rows when building flat packs, arguments over GPS directions. Anything to get into a fight to try and work out if the other gives a damn about you or if you give a damn about them. An then just resenting yourself for being in this situation AGAIN and AGAIN.

Seems so strange to me now looking back and seeing this is happy and this is how things work to this is surviving and this is how things work.

I liked happy! Okay not a shock, really everyone actually likes happy, they just aren't always comfortable in it.
What did I do to deserve this? Well nothing. It's what you worked for!
How did I get so lucky? Well you didn't you both just click and things just work!

Then we screw up, we punish ourselves for screwing up, we shouldn't. Things go wrong and things can be sorted with thought care, conversation and actions.
I screw up all the time, I do with words with actions with thoughts with deeds, I dislike my job we all know this I am trying to find a new one and I am struggling but I am still trying never give up and all that.
But my present job is a massive mix of Marshall, Mechanic, Customer Service and Safety, these should never be mixed. As a Marshall you break the rules you have to be informed, Safety you act like an idiot you have to be informed. Customer service now there is the thing Customers generally don't like being called an idiot when they are being one. So You can't really have a Customer Service person and a Safety/Marshall person doing the same job. So I screw up and sometimes the customer service side comes out sometimes the other side comes out, but generally I'm human and you know what us humans we are really good at messing things up, but we talk to other humans and we talk to ourselves and we work things out and we get to where we are going.

Happy isn't just a state of mind, it is a state of soul. If you are happy in yourself, happy in your life and happy in your day things will always workout in the end, don't ask me how that just seems to be how it works!

Being down on yourself, being down on your life these things generally make the world a little darker and you can't seem to find the end and it comes across in how we act, how we think, and how we respond.

I have taken to hiding behind my glasses at work so people can't see my eyes as then they can never truly be sure what mood I am in and it makes the day a lot easier. Plus it stops me being more human with the customers and ignoring the rules so much, an I might be a little more neutral in some respects.

I don't want to be behind the glasses though. I want to be happy again. I enjoyed happy, yet there is always the issue of the things that made us happy in the first place.
An me, well what makes me happy is the right person in my life. The one that I care for as much as they care for me.

An well I know who that is and I know that because of rules made and things said she probably won't ever be back in my life in that way. But then rules are made to be broken and not everything we said we actually meant.

We just have to learn and accept that there are good times and bad times in our lives.
An we can fix the bad times through understanding and communication, then we can enjoy the good times more and more.

An this is stopping here, not because of distractions, but because I know what is coming next and you know what non of you need to read or hear that. You just have to look at all the possibilities of everything that can be and you will of course see the path to where you wanted to be and hope that the other person is on the same path.

Happiness, It's not overrated. It is something to savour, enjoy and try to always be.

Sunday. Bloody Sunday.

So, she appeared today. I don't know why. Had some awful dreams and awoke to a text message asking if I was okay, not to hard to know the time of year for me and that my dreams at present are ones of my past and attempting to find the memories buried with in my mind.

Yet it seems strange that she would contact me after two weeks of nothing.
As I said I have gigs with her coming up, while this don't seem a great thing it is still gigs and music and I like music.
My head can't unravel why she got in touch though, three weeks till the gig.
My brain is probably making more of this than is real but I don't know.
As I don't follow her tweets, or follow her on facebook I can only know what she tells me.

Does she still care?
Does she still dream of us?
I do not know. Was this year just one disaster after another..... Yeah it was.
Will she read this? I doubt it.

Can I say things that I would say to her? Of course I can and would do in a heart beat.

Would I fix this and get back with her? In a heart beat.

An that is the scary thing isn't it. I'm not even pinning my hopes on her returning one day or any day.
My dreams say she will, my heart says she will, my head says she will and my soul says she will.
So why, do I not trust my own intuition. My own instincts.

I have spent so much of my life trusting my gut it's unreal, an my gut is rarely wrong.

An this year is slowly coming to a close, will be forgotten and buried in darkness within my mind once it does.

I have tried to block her out of my head, I have tried to lock her in a room and close the door within my mind to her. Yet I get back to the first vision of her and the door way and it all floods back.

I have ignored all the feelings I get of her being down, her being up, her thinking of my and the constant ache to talk to her. I have nothing to say any more. She knows my life and my routine there is nothing new in my world for her to know or learn. But then it was never about me to me, was always about her. Being there for her, holding her hand, walking her through her world and making her smile, all I ever wanted to do was make her smile.

So many questions, so many things I can't ask.

Is the new guy treating you right? Are you happy? Hows the weather?
Or the big one What's up? I haven't asked her that. So many times I have had the feeling something is wrong and I Should ask, but when I do all I ever got in reply was yeah its okay.

Are you happy? The small talk makes me think not.

Am I happy? No, I am not happy. I still try and try as hard as I can to escape this world I seem to be locked in. To find the right job, to get myself into a world where I can be me and allows me to do something I want to do, or to learn new skills. To be the best that I could be for the one person I wanted to be the best for.

A friend, A lover, A Husband, A Partner. An Equal.
That was all I ever wanted to be for her.

An yes this is all about her, yet she could be anyone couldn't she?

But is anyone that beautiful, that thoughtful, that passionate and that unique?
An will anyone fit so perfectly within that place in my head, in my heart, in my soul?

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Thursdays... Thoughts carry from the darkness.

Guess this is more of a diary post today.
Just trying to get my head into some kind of order.
I still miss her. I'm always going to. Fighting with myself not to contact her, not to look at her twitter, to stay back as far as I can and it hurts and it's hard.

I know we have gigs coming up and that will be fine, can deal with that. Always been able to deal with that.
It's mates going out and watching music, singing along and just doing what we do with gigs, which is sing, shout, dance and have fun.
I can't think of a single person I'd rather be at a gig with. Be it as a couple or as friends gigs have been something we have always done together. They are always fun and always have a good time.

It's the rest of it I miss. It's making her tea in the morning before going to work.
It's dragging her to a movie I want to see but she don't, or being dragged to a movie she wants to see and I don't. Who cared what the movie was we would be holding hands all the way through it.

Listening to her talk me through her day, or about the book she was reading, or about a dream, anything to hear her voice and the words.

Her knowing how to comfort and calm me when I have bad dreams. How that look just makes me smile so much and how its her smile that comes to my face. Only she saw that smile and only she could make it appear.

Sneaking little photos of her when she didn't want me to an the giggle as she blocked out the camera.

Yeah this is all stuff you take for granted. I never did. I never thought there would be an end but I always thought this could end at any moment. Try to make the most of every one you get as you never know when it will be your last.

My head still turns and twists with images of things I have never seen, she is still standing by me, she shouldn't be.

Yet she is still in here, my brain has a habit of deleting itself, move forwards without memory move on and be free. Yet it just keeps coming back to that glow in a doorway in a nightclub in my past and her standing there not noticing me as she walked by. I see that in my mind and it all floods back into place.

That perfect moment when the world was a nicer place before it became an awesome place and then went to hell and dragged me with it.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013


Fire burning in the night.
Bringing to you all the light.
Images flicker in the flame.
Memories from down the lane.
Past that seems to close and true.
Futures night and dark I miss you.
The time passed down it burns.
Fires rise and souls still yearns.
Darkness shrouds once candles burned.
Visions follow into worlds.
Memories still to come.
Things not passed and things not done.
Let the candles bring the light.
Into darkness they shall ignite.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

So everyone thinks you're creative!

So, we rely on friends, people, peers and all manner of different individuals in order to build and expand our skills, our ideas, thoughts and words. We train in area's to improve and build skill sets and find the ability to work on different projects and get the foot in the door for that job or that place we want to be. We fight in a world where if I think about it creativity is vast and infinite, there is no end to the possibilities we as humans can create. Yet there is only a select few that are exceptionally creative and while any Tom Dick or Harry can pick up a pen and write something that will inspire or lighten one or two peoples lives, there are less that get to everyone. 

Now me, I never like what I design. I am never happy with what I have done and I end up rebuilding and rebuild what I have worked on, an as I started out in this as nothing more than a kid with some crazy idea's for comics, for games and just for art sake I do wonder what would have happened if I had actually tried to be a designer instead of a scientist. 
But then I think that certain events in my past reshaped me and changed my mind set so I carry on with what I do trying to get my foot in a door any where. An never quiet being good enough. Though I have the basic skill set and the imagination to do it. 
Yet in a digital age I have had to change from working with polymer clays, a pencil and pens or paint into a digital presence. An part of me greatly miss's the working with my hands a lot. Yes its faster and yes I can remove and start over, hit ALt Z and back up unlike working with materials where 9 times out of 10 I have to restart. 
I babble sorry.

I was just wondering, what is it like for you? 

I've spent my time with Adobe Creative Suit and got to grips with a good 80% of it. 
I have spend my time with Zbrush trying to figure it out and make things look right.
I have drawn it, I have sculpted it and I have built it. 
I have sat and done my research to create the stories and worlds I have put together.
Yet I am still struggling to promote me as a person that can do it. 

How much rejection before you just give up?


    Chemical imbalance. The act of different hormones firing in different ways to make you feel lost, down, reduce energy and cause most symptoms of depression.

    I've not got a chemical imbalance.
    I know my brain well enough and my own body in order to know that this is not a thyroid firing incorrectly.

    Change my life. I've been trying. I have been, find a new job, still trying. Losing the plot, yeah doing that a fair amount.

    I got angry. I'm programed not to get angry.
    I play angry, I fake angry but I'm always in control. I got angry, which means I am now self hating, I feel guilty and grief for getting angry. An then I get down as I look at my world as I am self analysing my world and I break it all down an I find my life is very lonely, very cold, and very miserable.

    With nothing to look forward to I struggle to see a point in being around.
    I've tried going out but I just get bored and fail to find much in common with the people I am with.
    I've tried dating, been on a couple and yeah, just not what I want. They're nice enough people, I hope they find the right person for them. Just not me, no offence to them or anything I'm just picky and once you have had perfection it's hard to live with anything less.

    I found a sign that said why be with someone you can live with, when you should be with the person you can't live without. An thats very true, I did the person I can live with thing and I was never really happy.
    Did the trying to live with the person I can't live without and well she can live without me.

    Though I miss my best friend, the random chats about music, the sitting and listening to new albums and talking about what was good and what didn't work, the lyrics how it made you feel and the way the kick drum, bass, saxaphone just topped the track off. The happier times in my life and sharing a love of well crafted music. Not watching telly, not sitting in silence. Actual conversations.

    I have many friends that talk to me but they can't help me, they know that they try, they do and I am grateful to them all for it but they have lives and when I get down and no one is around no one can help me.

    So I filled my spare time with projects, which I keep losing interest in as I can't find a good enough reason to finish them, yet i do keep going back to them and I get down and I end up throwing it away because I end up disliking it as it looks wrong.

    I filled my spare time with Games, I used to enjoy gaming, so 37 hours I finished GTAV, 16 hours to do Batman Arkham Origins, and a night to do WWE 2K14.

    Tried watching some of the TV shows I had on box set, managed to go through all of Revolution in 2 nights!

    Won't watch Walking Dead Season 3. I want to I just can't.

    I've been down for weeks. An its the time of year again when my sleep pattern goes out the window, I've been trying to hide from my past and not think about it in all honesty.

    If it wasn't for the job my life would be so different, working 6/7 day weeks, sitting alone having no one to talk to and then home sitting alone trying to find people to talk to. To converse though because my world is dark I end up just going over the same ground and boring them. All I can do is apologise for this.

    An then the customers we'll I get nice one's, though then you get the weekend I just had where every single one of them is anything but nice. An well I am a person, I have feelings.

    I'm so tired of abuse, idiots, people that won't control their kids, health and safety, destruction and the whole thing.

    I hate slot cars, I hate not having any kind of life. I miss my friends, I miss her. I miss a life that was amazing.
    I know I will get it back, I know that out there is someone that will bring me back to life.
    I just can't live this life anymore. I am trying so hard to get out of my job and find my place in this world.

    I'd just like to be happy again. Until then, well I'll be going up and down like a yoyo and trying to stay alive.
    An it is a big try, such a large part of me is screaming in my head you're never getting out alive.

    Friday, 1 November 2013

    Do dreams die?

    I'm struggling. I am, going to be honest. No point in hiding behind a mask of everything is okay. Really isn't worth it. I just seem to have lost my sparkle and my edge. I don't know what has happened, I guess so many years of trying and trying to be more than I am has finally taken their toll on me.
    Though as always I'm unsure, am I just having a bit of a meh day? I don't really know.
    I know I am so tired of being here every day and trying to keep up my energy levels and be exciting and outgoing in the face of the general public to make kids smile and try to lift them up when things aren't going how they want them to because they are kids and the don't listen, well neither do the adults and this drags me down a bit when you see a racer just giving up on the race because they just didn't listen. That is how today has gone so far the handful of people I have had in that just gave up once they got to a point.
    An this in turn has dragged me down a bit and my head has just gone is there any point in trying to advance your skills, any point in trying to finish these books, any point in doing these games if no one cares about them but you?
    Designers need feedback, creative people need feedback to allow new ideas to form to build and create bigger and better things.
    I've not had any feed back in years. Been sat here today thinking about it as I plan the next section of what I am working on and I realised I have always gotten it will be good, and I ask have you read it and I am told no but I'm sure its good will read it later. Or that was great and when asked what they liked they say all of it.
    As I struggle being in a job I hate and trying not to let it swallow me once more and destroy my spirit again and fight for something new something better something I can do. I ponder and wonder is everything I have tried to do ever been worth it. it's never got me anywhere. An then I turn to thinking I'm not that good, I just have an imagination and some fairly average skills.
    Which turns into who am I?
    Which then just questions what's the point.
    An this spiral just drags me down further.
    As I have guarded my own secrecy and my life away from everyone for so long, hidden in shadows and no one ever knowing who I really am even myself not knowing it reaches a point where you just don't know anymore what the point is to it all.
    Should I just accept this life of work and no play. No social activity and no friends outside of the digital world?