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Wednesday, 31 December 2014


Thoughts on this year..... Nothing happened.....
Year started out badly, well not overly badly but still not as great as it could be.
It moved forward as things always do because time really fails to move backwards. If it did then I am sure I'd be altering it constantly to fix mistakes I have made.
Yet then we need the mistakes to learn.
So yeah, Download was a massive highlight as always had a really good time this year in the field.
But generally its been an uneventful year. Though some would say it has been eventful as I have done things or finally got things done I wouldn't have done if the year hadn't been so boring I guess.

2015 this is the point where it kicks off though.

So as I say good bye to 2014 as we all do this day I look forward to 2015 and my first steps into doing my own thing. Staying in the full time job though as even taking the risks I am taking I want to make sure I can survive. Got this far without having to borrow money from the bank so am hoping I can just keep it going with the full time job, an if it picks up come the end of 2015 will still be going.

But I'm a year ahead of myself there.

So 2014, time to say good bye and hello 2015. Or if you want good bye Wednesday hello Thursday, as while this year has had it's up's and down's unlike a lot of them in my life of late and a lot of them I have written about this year has been fairly well dull in my little part of the world.

So I shall wish you one and all those I know and those I don't a happy new year and I shall as always leave you with the hope that you deserve as we all do that the following 12 months will bring you the things you deserve, until this time next year as every year for the last few.

Happy New Year One and All.

Thursday, 4 December 2014

It's been a wHile. Some one get the Cool wHip.

So where am I.
Year ago I decided to close down final gamez on the grounds of I wasn't getting any where with it.
A year ago, I was broken, probably still rather am.
Still in the same job no matter what skills I learn, things I do or improve on.
So what have I done? Seriously it's been 6 months since I said a word, my tweeting is become less and less though random bits and piece and face book I probably post once a month to let people know I am alive if that is something I can call myself half the time.

So yeah that's the me stuff out of the way. In more important news I am erm doing stuff!

Yeah you guessed it after a while of nothing then something and now finally lots of things.

If you been following me for the last 2/3 years I have been getting my head around ZBrush, rather slowly probably creativity takes me leaves me and then temps me with cheese cake to get back into trying. An with this in mind and a lot of searching around on line and discovering I have so many models the price to get them all printed was going to cost me a small fortune and probably enough to buy a small football team or even a new house I decided to purchase a 3D printer. Cheap one nothing to fancy and it has given me a fair amount of things that has made me go OOOoooOOO a lot. It has also pushed my ZBrush work in randomly new directions as I have been getting round the whole scale of shrinkage in printing a model and how it all slots together to build it when the thing is 3 times larger than the printable area. So with this in mind and now having a vast amount of prototypes cluttering up my desks, (There will be photos don't worry photos follow words) I am going to start production to sell! An as I think the stuff I am doing is so darn niche it's probably not going to sell (Who would really want a 7" tall Cyclops based on an elephant design) I am going to do them to order, so from 2015 my final earth web site which has house my portfolio for the last 8 years is going to be split up and half will be portfolio if anyone cares about stuff I am doing and a fairly large promotional thing and the other will be a shop from which to order I shall be selling the models I print. Of course they will be the best quality I can muster. Which should be coming to happen as I am presently going through the stages of trying to get a better printer (Which I have it's just got some bugs and we are trying to fix this) Though for certain models the cheaper older printer is a better choice as it gives the affect that I was trying to achieve with them. So expect to see a pay-pal shop appearing some time in early 2015 with thing like this on it.

They will all come unpainted and some of them will come in bits (The busts won't)

So there you go this is what I have been doing the last 6 months and I hope to continue doing an I hope you like my new toys, models, projects, them up there those things. 

Monday, 16 June 2014

Hey Ho Lets Go "Download 2014" A lost weekend in review.

Where to start? At the beginning? On the Friday? The Wednesday? I am fairly sure not one of you is interested in anything but the bands I can recall, the things I remember or the way it was.
I'm sat here with In This Moment, Blood Re-Issues & Bonuses playing as I am working up to a new Album review, an they are on my list to review, but they didn't play Download, so you will have to wait for that.

So we shall begin with saying Download festival I have been to them all but the first one. An I was meant to be there for that but yeah it's messy. It is my annual pilgrimage to Castle Donington, the group changes but I always stay the same, I try to watch as many bands as I can which can be hard at times as it's a festival an partying in the camp site at night can mean late starts in the morning, okay I possibly mean afternoon.

We will start with the Wednesday shall we. No bands play on Wednesdays. But then this is the thing, I left Leicester as I was staying over at a mates before heading in we left at 11 am, reached the services had breakfast. Now here is the mad bit even in the quietest years and there have been a couple not many but a couple that time in the morning the services near to East Midlands Airport and the road down to the Race Track are usually choker block, this day how ever we drove straight into the services, had breakfast then drove straight into the car park and parked not a single traffic delay at all! This was a bit of a shock.

Into the queue around 1:30/ 1:45 takes a while to load up the trolley an drag two massive tents, and bags all the way over to the gates themselves, we slowly went along down getting closer to the gates and they were searching everyone a little more thoroughly than we have seen before which was interesting, but if you're not carrying anything you shouldn't have then it's all fine, in we go and tent was up and we were down with beer by 4 pm. Just walked into our normal camping area and set up with out issue. Down the bottom of the Green camp site. Not to far from the village but just far enough to be out of the way if anything kicks off we are safe and sound. So were in Thursday happened. Involved going off site to buy beer, as the price for a crate of 24 cans was a lot steep. Like £42 - £48 steep. An Turborg possibly the most horrible larger ever created was the more expensive one!


So not an early start on the first day, arena don't open till 12, first band goes on at one, two we wander down to be in position for:

Powerman 5000, most random of starting bands, no one seemed to know any of the songs as we wandered down, I could remember a few but once they started playing we all suddenly started remembering songs by them as they played and we sang along. Good set, worked well with the crowd though it wasn't massive. But still was a good set.
Moving on to the band we really came down early for:

Skindred, As always they brought the best they can be, with great tunes, high energy rifts and mixing and such a charismatics and fantastic front man. If they tour near you go see them they are just an amazing live act, full of energy and banter fun and all round brilliant act. Rugby Choirs and Tom Jones aren't the only musicians to come out of Wales and bring the house down. Just watch out for that Newport Helicopter.

Time for food a wander and a bit of a break. Wanted to see Flogging Molly and Black Label Society kind of managed to miss both some how. Think I was in the beer Tent, could hear black label and they sounded a little off but it might have just been the sound and as I didn't see them I can't comment on this really. As it would be unfair on them. Back in place though for:

Within Temptation, as always sounded amazing, vocally amazing as always and good set, though I don't think we will ever see them much higher up the line up. Great vocalist. Check them out.

Now the act I was looking forward too and was expecting an amazing show from was Rob Zombie.
Was expecting something fantastic as every time I have seen him to date he has played a blinder, be it at the Birmingham 02, Headlining the second stage at Download 2011 or the twins of evil show in Birmingham NIA with Marilyn Manson.  He has always brought an amazing show and an amazing presence.
He couldn't be bothered. Complained that it was sunny, complained he was doing a "Party" Set, Had non of his props on stage and even asked if the Solo John 5 had been doing was long enough to take them to the end of set and walked off to be sent back out to play Dragula that he slurred the words on like many songs and just couldn't be bothered. I have the utmost respect for Rob Zombie as an Artist and I will just have to put it down to technical issues short set and something making it a bad day that just ruined what could have been magical. But I don't know all I know is what I saw from around 50 feet from the stage.

Bad Religion. I really didn't know what to expect here. I had no clue at all, never seen them before know the odd song and know how long they have been around, was glad I saw them though they didn't light me on fire they played very fast and very well but I have nothing to compare them too. Some jokes thrown in but that was about it really, they might have been playing their hearts out they could have been dialing it in, I just don't know but they did play well if they didn't light a fire under the groups backsides.

Here comes my highlight of Friday. An the rest of the groups too. Ave......... hahaha Nope wasn't A7X it was the might and the amazing Offspring.
Playing Smash, from intro to intermission to end, throwing in hits from Americana and the last single from Rise and Fall, You're going to go far kid (Dance fucker Dance)
20 years on, and while the years are seen on their faces, they still play as hard and fast as they ever did, the crowd was behind them pits appearing, dancing and singing along at the top of their voices, at one point even drowning out the band and the main stage with their cries along to hits like Pretty Fly for a white guy and Self Esteem. Crowd interaction as always was done in the form of little in jokes and they banged out hit after hit with efficiency and a greatness that these only veterans can bring. Set finished with 15 minutes to spare. I do wonder if they had anything left in them after that to do an extra encore but the stage hands never gave them a choice and started breaking the set.


The plan was to make the Arena for Fozzy.......... This was a massive fail mainly on my part as I had spent a lot of the evening Drinking with people around the camp site and I didn't crawl out of bed till late. An then pretty much started drinking again in order to avoid the hang over, Music festivals the only place where it is acceptable to down 3 pints before the kettle has boiled to make the coffee.

We aimed once more for 3 pm as we weren't missing bowling for soup. An as it's the only video I could  find have some of their Download 07 appearance.
I am a massive bowling for soup fan they are up there in my seen more times than I can could list of bands. An after 20 years they have retired from big tours, so this might have been the last time to see them for a while. They cram so much into a set it is unreal, jokes songs and they never miss a beat. Crowd interaction going on through songs after songs during songs just non stop party band and they are such an amazing group of guys to see play and it is a shame it might be so long till I get to see them again. Just go find their work buy it get everything you;'' love them you might even know more songs than you think.

As I really wanted to check out Richard/Crane featuring Whitfield Crane and Lee Richards a new project I skipped Killswitch Engage. An then passed out for a bit. R/C though are a two piece acoustic project, this is a new path for both of these guys getting out those songs within them and down, they say every time they do a new project it will be different and this is going to be a journey through music with them and their creativeness. Was a very gorgeous pieces and I am looking forward to the finished album. Which the first one will be Acoustic. Don't expect Ugly Kid Joe or God Smack though but something new and very interesting.

Right I'm awake I have hiccups, need to get too 2nd stage as the wild hearts are ab-o-ut t-o pl-ay, was so uncomfortable no idea where they had come from but they were pissing me off and then I herd that opening rift of sick of drugs and I ran off full speed straight to the front of the crowd pushing my way though to get a decent view. I do love the Wildhearts. Ginger the ever charismatic front man, the band behind playing in unity as always and once more some hard hitting fast paced songs that just make you want to BOUNCE and sing along. Always amazing watching the Wildhearts and Ginger.

Twisted Sister.... Oh My God I Wanna Rock! Amazing presence fantastic front man funny as hell and just some very hard hitting Rock and Roll. Low flying planes though and New York bands not always the best thing especially when Donington Park is directly under the landing path of East Midlands Airport. First random moment of the set. While it was towards the end of the set. Second stand out moment was the tribute to Motorhead and Lemmy. Dee Snider is a true gentleman of Rock and Roll.

Now this is where it gets a little complicated. I started to wander. I watched the first 20 minutes of the Quo set and the boys were on fire they said was a short set due to the football.... Sorry what!? I'm at a rock festival I couldn't give a shit about the world cup play music not sports. Read the results on your phone later and let the bands play. I wandered to third stage and caught a bit of Behemoth not really my thing but from what I could see sounded good were playing well and I did like the out fits, the set layout and the special effects. An as they were playing Linking Park, now not my cup of tea but sounded clean and well presented I didn't look towards the stage but I got to hear crawling and one step closer which are the only songs I know by the band and they sounded really good, before heading back over to the 2nd stage for the End of Quo, some random conversations with people around me and some hard core air guitar, then back to camp and more beer.


This all went very wrong. I was going to see Buckcherry if it killed me. It very nearly did, was an early start, so beer in hand as I was going to have to drive the next morning get the "light" drinking in early on the way down to the arena. So off for breakfast, beer in hand, have breakfast, then its right were off to the arena, me thinking I would have time to get back to the tent change the battery on my E-Cig grab an extra beer just to finish them of on the walk and dump things like my trench coat and stuff in my pockets. Nope no no no not allowed were going. Off we wander. We get to the Arena entrance and Buckcherry come on stage. Damn It All. It is jammed tighter than a sardine can and were not getting in in a hurry so I get to listen to a distorted sound as the wind is up and at that range everything is bleeding together. Get through the gate and they start Crazy Bitch. Yeah last song of the set that's how long it took to get in, I manage to get from the arena entrance to the barriers before they get half way through the song. So if you saw a 6'2" guy running across the Download arena heavy leather trench coat billowing that was me. I'm sorry if I knocked anyone over I think I dodged, jumped and skipped round most people.
Any way back up for lunch and the usual meet up spot, I do love Deli Kate, possibly my favourite food stall, they do all the rock and metal festivals go check them out. Is it Deli Kate or Deli Cate? I don't remember they have been standing at download 5 years now, they also do blood stock and this year Alt Fest. As well as a few others.

Crash at the top of the hill for some Richie Sambora, Crowd which is singing along look small from where we are, sound is okay but he is no Jon Bon jovi, he can play the guitar but he hasn't got the same range as his band mate. Though once he starts playing the well known Bon Jovi tracks the crowd picks up and starts singing along.

Joe Bonamassa???? I sat I watched It did nothing for me. I recognized one song, which is played to death and isn't that impressive, the performance was good it just didn't get me going or make me want to go purchase his CDs. I ended up wandering went past 3rd stage and saw them trying to crush into the tent for Crazy Town which I didn't expect at all but they were just surrounding the 3rd stage trying to get in.

Volbeat, You know what I own their albums, I rarely listen to them, I was really impressed and I should possibly go back and listen to them again really nice show, some good tunes some interaction with the crowd and very pleasing set thoroughly enjoyed them and once I learn some words might even try and see them on their own tour.

Sorry Steel Panther you just don't do it for me.

Seether, never herd them before had no idea what to expect was pleasantly surprised though, some really nice tricks with delay peddle and loops. Really good performance had my foot tapping and bouncing along to songs I didn't even know. Shall be checking them out more once I have some funds to do so.

The Pretty Reckless.
Last time they played download I was shocked and amazed at how good they were, I didn't expect to like them I got their Albums and have enjoyed them. Now I don't know who's fault it was if it was the bands if it was the sound techs but the bass was so high that you couldn't hear any words all you could feel and I do mean feel was the bass drum and guitar. It really spoiled the set, when they did eventually get the bass lowered she appeared to mumble her way though the songs while the other mic the guitarist was using was clear and audible. This wasn't a wind issue this really was a set up issue and should have been fixed.
Several kids in the crowd more dads in the crowd just to leer over her dancing around on stage being provocative. Worst set of the whole festival though I have herd that Bring Me The Horizon didn't do that well either, but I don't know as didn't see them.

Back for Aerosmith. An the last two tracks of Alter Bridge.
Was it going to be the same lack luster performance of 2010 or was it going to be an energy fueled explosion.... BOOM straight off the bat it was high energy and 5 songs in I'm all okay they are playing to their potential lets go see Zebrahead for a change, we never go see Zebrahead......

I had no idea what I was letting myself in for here, the 4th/5th stage depending on how you look at it is tiny, and packed! High energy fast fun rap rock punk show. With some great little moments, but only a 25 minute set and so much packed into it including this.....

Yes that is a member of the band paddling a raft across the top of the crowd! 

It all gets a bit hazy after that much jollity was had around the camp site many jokes and stories told and a lot of laughing singing and doing really bad impressions before rolling in and calling it another Download Festival brought to a close. Roll on Download 2015 and another great 6 days of Alcohol, Music, Sun and fun. 

Thursday, 8 May 2014

URGH wow thats not a great title!

So the year rolls on the world roll over and the time to fly away is forever hampered by rain keeping my wings firmly lashed to my back. Yeah this blog isn't even about what it reads like so keep going I will get to where I was planning eventually just wanted to babble a bit first.
So 10 years into "running" electric tracks and I am still trying to run away. 
Why? Because it's an unsociable job, its shocking hours its low pay and I said I am meant to be running it right? Well I am given the illusion of running it, truth is I'm just the face. I have no control over it at all.
I see what the income is for the site but I have no idea on the outgoings of it. 
I have control over what we order and what I order sells what I am told to order never does.
An I am blamed for the way Hornby go about their own business as its not constructive to our own business yet I am also constricted to being only able to deal with Hornby because thats what the owners forced me to do from the word go. So when Hornby start adapting finally to work as a modern company and not as a remnant of the 1950/60's company they have been for the last 60 years. I get it in the neck and why because no one wants to shout at Hornby, I don't nice to see them finally making the move into a modern age, shame about the price points they are using but they are a PLC and have to pay shareholders. 

Any way, as I have moaned this wasn't where I was going my question or my statement depending on how you look at it was always a simple thing of why do we still trade and run companies in a way we did 20, 30, 40, 50, 100 years ago? Why can't people move forward with the way things are I know the world is stated as being referred to as teaching old dogs new tricks, but surely we should let the next generation try to do things their way instead of treating them as a means to an end and instilling these tried and tested and now a days failing methods upon them. I say this as I work for a farmer that while able to understand farming has no concept of retail and so got out and left it for me to clean up and fix and then once i got it running pulled the rug out from under me and started just treating me like a slave. When I do something It usually works when they do something it falls on its arse. Now me I don't mind much I just know I am angry about the low pay as I am now well under minimum wage, the long and unsociable hours and the always in here at weekends unless I throw my toys out the pram to get away, I don't like throwing my toys out the pram I do it from time to time with people as well I have to to get their attention but in general I don't like doing it. 

And as always I am applying all over the place for work but until I work my way around this algorithm for picking CV's and qualifications for jobs I want to do (them darn keywords get every where) I'm going to struggle in a forever forward moving age of technology where everyone seems to have forgotten how to be human. 

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Babbling bumbling and ramblings.

So, I've not said a word for weeks. Been doing the odd review on my other blog, but me, whats it matter? Well in theory it don't, still losing my mind in my day job, and becoming so sick of it it's starting to actually show in my level of professionalism, which just makes me angry at myself and that fire within can be passionate or explosive and of late has been more explosive.

Still bumbling about, as the world is still judging the book by the cover and no one ever gets to know me.

Still having little depression periods, guess when nothing seems to be going right that is what happens though.

I'm not angry at anyone other than myself. I should be angry about lots of things but I'm not, just getting older and still living on low income, I know people live on low incomes and survive I have been doing most of my life. Amazing how far you can make the pennies go if you have too. I just sacrificed my social life to do it.

Which is where the depression kicks in, I missed most of the social scene through my 20's cause of the job, and now I am into my mid 30's I should be all happy and settled and not needing it. I'm just not.

As I get older I find myself slowly wanting to be left alone more and more, which is a complete disaster really as the full time job means I have to interact with people lots of different people who don't listen and break things and pay no attention to warnings and make me angry cause i can't say things in clearer english than I do and they do the damage yet they blame me for it when they are the ones who broke it so why should I take the rap for their incompetence to listen?

Then we have my family as you know thats who I work for, and seriously they are never around everything is left to me and then I get angry cause I can't be everywhere at once like they expect me to be.

Favourite example, I started at 10:45 and first customers went on and 10:50. We don't open till 11. by 12 I have all 8 tables full and a 40 minute queue of people waiting to race, at this point I am not able to leave the tables as soon as I have started table 1, I have to move to table 8 and start that and work my way back round and once I am back at table one it all starts again. This goes on for 6 hours. Constantly walking around 6,000 square feet of building saying the same things over and over and over again. Exactly the same things can't deviate from the explanations everyone gets the same one, though young kids get a slightly dumbed down version. People wanting to ask me questions about scalextrics and repairs and I have no time to talk to them about stock or what would be best to extend their home circuits as I am constantly starting races. Sorting the tills, answering the phones, okay so not answering the phones when I get that busy the phone gets ignored by me has to as I just don't have time, well this is bad for customers but sorry am one person. Now here is the best bit there are meant to be 2 of us in here. So where is the other one? Probably hidden away playing Mahjong in the other office, yet whenever I say anything I am in the wrong.
An she had a hard day cause she had too cook 4 meals for one family. Then moans she never has customers then moans when she has customers. Yet me, I have something happen like 6 tables full people waiting to start something breaks and no one backs me up they all hide in the dark instead of their being a presence in the building! An once more it's all my fault! How is this my fault they broke it, I need to fix it I don't have spare cars, as I don't have spare parts as the supplier never gets me them on time and you moan at me when I spend money making the site work and keeping everything in working order.

So I am angry, an I am angry at me for letting myself get trapped here and what makes it all worse is there is no one I can talk to so I have to blog, I have no one to share anything with cause no one wants to me with someone that earns less than minimum wage works constantly isn't allowed to take holidays and works every single weekend and it always shattered when they get in from running around all day.

An what am I meant to do about it? Nothing. I bring it up with my parents and I just get stop moaning and get back to work. I book a day off and I get you can't have it there is this booking, or that booking.

An then you get days, like today, where the kids have gone back to school and I am sat here all on my own, and I shall be on my own till the weekend, just me and that gets depressing as well, cause I used to have someone, but that was a long time ago now. Though since they came into my life no one has been interested in me and all these years on they still aren't.

So I am alone, slowly going more and more insane and gradually going more feral once more as the world turns from one day to the next merging into an endless day of rinse and repeat. All I want to do is be found, get a job with different people and new and amazing challenges and be allowed to be treated like a normal employee doing a job I can be great at in a world that just judges the books by its cover.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Trial and Error

As always with anything I do it is a lot of trial and error.
Mainly error but I do get there in the end.

Once more playing with the self promotion thing in this blog, and some of the experiments I have been doing with Adobe Creative Suite.

An the discovery that earlier versions of internet explorer really don't get to grips with CSS3 & HTML5. But then thats why we get updates or should.

Any way thought I would share the links to the updated stuff in the portfolio, it is all really concept work but then it is only things I have thrown together over a couple of hours, but it is allowing me to get more to grips with the software.

District section of games design got updated, has a new control screen and red buttons to push! YAY I like buttons.

An this is the is a concept design for a District web site if I ever build one, as I say this is a concept it takes a bit to load as it is all done with Adobe Edge Animate and the box stands at 4.3mb but I am sure with some tinkering and more time I can get this down to a more reasonable size. I just wanted to get it finished and see what it looked like before going back to the drawing board with it to make it all sparkly and glowy.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Make up your own heading.

never rains.

So we start out with things are looking up.
Which is always a bad sign in my life and before anyone even starts going on about the fact we make our own destiny and things happen for a reason or all that other stuff, don't just don't.
As all the events that have happened are totally unrelated to each other.

Cause to Effect is easy to see. You do A which makes B happen which gives result C.

Mathematicians and Science people yes I am being lazy with my ABC system. I'm not doing a big equation explaining this is all very basic and boring, wander on.

My ability to use words seems to be failing me at the moment too. Description, explanation, power and creation all seem to have dropped off the chart in my head, it's all very dark and lonely in there which is how I want it to be for now.

It's always the same everyone tries to build me up things start looking good and then everything crashes down around my ears, because something outside of what is going on happens and ruins a perfectly good mood.

Seriously it's just not worth even trying to be friends with me anymore. Should just keep everyone at arms length.

When you stand up for yourself you just get kicked into a corner. Got no fight left.

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

I'm only happy when I'm...........

I walk in and out of people's lives, it's what I have been doing for so long.
Seem to be found by those that need me and I do what I need to do to make their worlds work.
Remind them who they are, how amazing they truly are how great and some how they find the path they should be on.
I have been doing this for so long its becoming a running joke in my head it truly is.
I run in to them down the road and they thank me for everything I did, every action, every lesson, every tiny thing I did.

I hate it. I will be honest I hate it. All I ever do is put other peoples lives back on track.

Okay I like to help will help anyone usually to help themselves I will admit it isn't about handing over money to people or doing their job for them. It's helping people to be able to do what they dream what they wish what they want.
Advice and a shoulder are always handy always helpful to all.

So why am I so tired of it?

It's what I do. It's why everyone seems to think I'm an Angel. I pop up I do what it is that needs doing and disappear once more. Actually I don't. Thats the thing. I don't walk away I have never walked away from anyone, just once you have gotten where you need to be you don't need me any more or want me around and you wander off and forget me.

An I say I forget everything. I don't, it's all in here I just find it hard to recall it from time to time. It still wanders back and forth inside my head.

So many people I have saved, so many people i have shown the way too, so many people I have helped.

So why am I not happy?

If this is what my position is in this world why am I so unhappy with my life?

I know the job has sucked away any forms of social life, working every weekend and destroying my soul so much, like today, I am sat on my own once more in a cold office talking to the odd person thats not too busy on what ever means of conversation there is be it email, text message and so on. So why am I still so unhappy and so lost. I am doing my job I'm making people smile I am helping and talking them through and in return they are keeping me sane by allowing me to talk to them.

So what is wrong with me, why am I not happy?
An who helps me in my time of need?
Not that I am actually having a moment of need right now, which is why I can ask these questions.

Why won't the world ever give me the life everyone else has?
Why when I get it does it take it away from me?

I'm not that important, I am just another wandering body on this rock, I'm nothing special, I just have a heart and always want to help everyone around me, everyone before me. Always.

Why can't I ever put me first in anything?
I never think I deserve anything, I always think there is someone better someone more skilled someone who deserves it more, an I hope they get it, though I know I Wish someone would give me that chance.

Heard so many times that I am too good for whoever I am with, but am I?

I'm just me. I'm nothing more than a random group of elements and atoms mashed together to create something that may or may not exist on any other planet in a universe of a billion stars. My birth was as random as anyone elses.

I'm just me. An maybe I think a little differently, but to who?

So many questions about what, who, how I am meant to be, how I am meant to act. My past shows me no explanations of where I am going, and my future, it changes it shifts too often too much.

Questioning the fabric of a world I don't even know anymore. Guess I was just born in the wrong age.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Tired Hurting Unsure Restless Stressed Defiant ArewethereYet?

I don't know if I am going to keep writing these.
Everything isn't going to plan, not that there ever was a plan in the first place.
Feeling really defeated. Feeling really run down. Nothing to look forward to. No escape.

Just broken into a million pieces, and this is my only outlet but it's not longer helping me.
Just can't get my head into anything really, constantly blank of mind and lacking inspiration.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

So its thursday

I know it's thursday, yesterday was my birthday, I go back to work after a week off on saturday.
I've got nothing to say today.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

6 days till I gain level 35 also known as Thursday.

Not a lot, going on been kind of hidden from the world this week.
May stay that way for a bit, just yeah...........................................
Oh and on a brighter note I have just lost all my mondays off through February to night sessions.
Fucking job. Need Out. Why won't anyone hire me?
It's not like I don't want to work I do, it's not like I'm not charismatic, colourful, creative and fun. Most people say I am. Maybe it's the fact I just don't fit in anywhere. Ah well, when life gives you lemons add them to the vodka for taste. Or make ice cream. Or make sorbet. Or learn to juggle. Or pancakes. I think I miss pancakes. No I don't. Do I? I don't know. One of them weeks. Right back in my box I go................... 

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Is rock dead? Shouldn't the question is music dead?

In response to this massive blog. I say response I have been asking this questions myself for a while.

Music changes, it expands it retracts it adjusts and it alters, through time we have seen the singing of choirs in worship of deities, we have had the renaissance of Mozart and the likes, we have seen the rise of all manner of musical forms, which lead back from folk tales in song form, to the swinging 20's, 30's, 40's and so on to rock and roll of the 60's on to the metal in the 70's punk dragged us kicking and screaming into the 80's, we traversed the 90's with a mix of techno and rave before it moved into house music, and the new generation of rock came with it on the other side of the fence, we came across to the turn of the century and we were leveled by Nu Metal and Emo the baby sibling of the 80's goth generation. Though the haze of the memory kind of distorted what we got a little, the genre fractured into such a massive plethora of varying styles and types, no longer was there just rock, metal and punk, we got the cores, grind core, hard core, and so on.

With all these changes through music though came technological advances. Bards no longer wandering singing of things they had seen in the other village, going to the grand concert halls to see a full orchestra play the latest compositions from the great writers, as history moved forwards and technology advances, speakers, microphones, tech getting smaller allowing it to be positioned easier and faster, expanding the range of places music could be performed and we end up with the music festivals, and stadium performances of the bands we wanted to see.

An then we have this whole melancholy to see the greats. The bands that inspired the next generation of bands, of course they are still alive and with us though ageing because we grow old.

The line that makes me question within said blog was.

"Ginger Wildheart posted similar sentiments days after the Sonisphere headliners were announced. “It would appear that rock music is finally on the machine that goes bing,” he wrote. “The revolving door of (fewer than 10) worthy festival headliners indicates, to me anyway, that we have outlived the era of ‘big rock’.

I do love Ginger for his honesty and bluntness, though I can't agree with this, yes while there are possibly as few as 10 large festival bands left who can pull this off, no festival is pushing newer bands to the top spot. Download 2014 in the UK this year is giving Avenge Seven fold a shot at it though and while I am not a massive fan of them, and am unsure they really deserve it yet it is a step in the right direction, an while we have the staple of linkin park and aerosmith as well headlining it does make me as why is no one else taking the risk like this?

While the bands of the 70's and 80's still want to play it could be time to start allowing the 90's bands of which there are very few to take to the top spot and with this move a modern decade band the ability to try and show they are able to show a festival crowd there ability to wow the world.

While the record industry is on its arse due to the demise of the record store and the labels not wanting to push albums as you can record it and get rid of it online with out ever having to press a record, CD, tape! if you are old enough to remember the 8 track then them too. (I'm not)

An yes I have gone a lot of topic with this, but there are so many reasons for it, because it is such a wide topic to cover, the death of rock. The death of music. These are things that will never truly die, thy just go underground. We love music, I can't think of anyone that does not listen to music in one form or another.
Be it the clubbers, the guys in the pub or anywhere else, we use music to tell us stories, we use music to make us feel, to give us a beat to dance to and to share with friends. We talk about bands, we are even very set in our ways about who we like. We fight for the bands we care about we scream and shout in time with them when we see them play, we sing along and we learn the lyrics because they are singing for us and we want to sing along.

Even the one direction fans, the wanted fans and the other Canadian idiot, who I can't be bothered to name.
They buy their music they learn the songs and they watch them on all manner of media. Just like the metal heads, the rockers and the punks among us. But we get festivals, because Alternatives stand together cause we always stand out.

So yeah the bands think rock is dead, but they won't stop playing, they think festivals are going down the pan, well they aren't we still want to see you play, we still want to be entertained and we will keep buying what you let us hear.

But they have to keep working and while the greats and the classics are reaching retirement hahaha no rocker ever retires. The next generation need to pick up the gauntlet and run with it, an yeah there is only a finite number of rifts and notes, but there is a massive dictionary of words out there.

Thrashers, thrash, grungers grunge, metal heads JUMP, rockers rock and punks... Yeah put down the flaming dustbin.........

Music isn't dead, it just needs to accept that it needs to be bigger once more and take back what is rightfully it's. The fans.

Thoughts of a 34 year old never giving up never giving in metal head. . . . . . . . . . .

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Rantday I mean Thursday (sorry about all the bad language)

We all know I'm fairly laid back rather insane and generally not one to anger.
So whats happened in the last 7 days...........................................................
Well to be honest it has actually taken me 3 days to get angry.......................
So here we go with my week.

Hectic weekend, nothing new there, get through saturday with the help of the assistant.
Sunday hectic day on my own no assitant. Boss is in, thats okay she will hang on where's the boss?
Oh in the back playing Mahjong. Again. Right will cope always do.................................................
Sunday comes to a close party is running a little late because last one to arrive arrives late. No biggy can deal with this. Okay party is done, and all gone, 17:20 ah thats okay 10 minutes to clear out and will be home soon, where the boss? Oh playing Mahjong. Boss there gone lets get out of here. Oh no got to wait for her to now tidy up. Why didn't she do this when the party had started to wind down instead of waiting for everyone to leave?
Meh will just cash out and pack up my stuff..... Boss heard mumbling this would be a lot quicker if someone else would help instead of doing nothing. HANG THE FUCK ON! I have been on my feet since 11am, I have done a party, dealt with several customers and just run around like a headless chicken for 6 hours straight. There is one dishwasher it takes 3 minutes to do a cycle, it takes 2 minutes for one person to clear the pots while the cycle is going round, you don't need help you need to stop being a lazy fuck. This all kept under my breathe.

Monday, I like mondays, day off, Oh someone wants to meet, ace, they want to meet here also ace, oh they have changed the mind and now I have to drive even further, meh, okay. Small greasy spoon, okay will get a coffee, sit and wait, I'm early only by 5 minutes. Shall be fine, 20 minutes later she turns up, and after 4 days of talking and appearing she is actually rather interesting, fun, and intelligent and what turns up, boring, untalkative, and uninteresting. This unmaterialistic alternative with interests and head screwed on, turns out to be a hippy with not a single original thought in her head. WOW I really lucked out here.
Oh she is receiving a phone call and she is going to answer it and her friend is out of gas and stuck on a road in the middle of no where please come save me. YAWN, yeah saw that one coming. Why didn't you just say sorry not interested instead of spinning me all this bullshit, and then to email me afterwards with it was cool I made a new friend, well no actually you didn't I don't need more friends I never see or talk to so erm BYE.

Tuesday, so I knew i had a 4th date planned with the only girl so far to have kept my interest, still trying to workout if she would be worth trying with or not... She crashes into my car from behind while its stationary at a roundabout and there is loads of traffic around. I hadn't even put it in gear and the car in front of me hadn't moved. Yeah so great start to the evening, this is followed by a I don't have a driving license. YOU FUCKING WHAT! So yeah this ends up with me now going there will be no 5th date. Though she keeps texting me and emailing me apologising, okay how about you pay for the damage to my car. Only going to cost £1000 for the new bumper, new lights, and respray.

Wednesday, hunting parts for car, and trying to relax. Oh wait got to be in work at 6:45 for a 7:15 party. Okay it is the job you know it's my day off but yeah what ever. I get here at 6:45, party starts arriving 6:50 7:15 boss turns up. An then decides to vanish once more leaving everything to me. 10pm boss leaves moaning she didn't do anything. And why not because she turned up late if she had been here on time people would have been buying coffees and stuff and she would have done okay. As they were all asking if the coffee shop was open and at that time it wasn't as I didn't have cash boxes or the time to be doing her job as well as my own.

Thursday that would be today, turn up to work as always, odd phone call, general crap, booking and so on taken, boss, I am leaving at 3 to go do my household shop... Hang the fuck on a minute I have to do my household shop on my day off, after work, or whenever I can fit it in. What the fuck is that all about!
Then I have plans for tomorrow, going to a gig, I like gigs, so have to be out of here early to get changed and so on and drive to nottingham. All good, Oh no, I have to stay here till 5pm, an if we have customers in I have to stay here till we are finished. HANG THE FUCK ON once more I booked tomorrow as a half day months ago. Yet no allowed it, and don't even get me started about the week off I was told I was getting back in septem... Octob... Novem.... Decem.... Janu.... as it kept getting pushed back. It is now february over my birthday but it's not weekends Oh no its monday to friday. An if we get night sessions I shall lose the day. Yeah fuck off will I. Oh and to make it just that little more annoying I just had a phone call asking if they could book in for 5pm tomorrow and I have just had to explain to them that we wouldn't be able to do a 5pm booking on friday as I have to be somewhere else at that time, to which they got all snotty with me. Well you see if this company was run as a company and not as someones personal piggy bank then maybe just maybe I'd have been able to take the booking but you know what I have the right to have a life. An I am going to try and have one. Yeah I am going to a gig, yeah it's not with the person I wanted to but with an acquaintance as that was the only person that wanted to go, Ha an acquaintance known them since they were 6 years old.

So far this year not a lot has phased me to be honest, just reached that point where I have been so laid back it was time to just stand up and shout.
I've had a fucking nough.
Oh and for all those going well at least you have a job at least you are getting paid.
Yeah it works like this I work on average tuesday to sunday every single week, I lose mondays off in school holidays, I haven't had a weekend to myself in forever, I have no social life as I am to knackered after running around all day to go out at night, I have fuck all friends left as no one bothers even asking me if I want to do something, I can't hold a relationship down once it gets passed sex as well I am never around due to the job and getting time off is like trying to get blood out of a stone. I earn 10,400 a year. Yeah thats all I get paid shit aint it.
I have a house to run and two cats to feed, I am usually broke constantly.

Oh and every job I apply for never seems to get back to me. Not even to tell me sorry you haven't been successful this time.

So there you go my week, my fucking awful week, ah well. Out the system now.
Savings account gone, no 3D printer next month now :(

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Update Day I mean Thursday!

So another week another blog.
No idea how my dad is, they moved his operation from friday to tuesday, all I know he is home and moaning and in pain thats it. Should probably go see him.... Bit busy..... Will probably be asleep.... Lose half hour going and checking or work.... I'll work on something. got another update. Some bits fixed and some new projects I have done loaded into it.

Yeah thats it, you don't want to hear about continually being stood up by possible dates.

It's annoying but such is life.

Gig a week on friday and spare ticket I think.... No I know I have she isn't going to contact me and go and even if she did I would probably tell her to late or tough or not interested.

Birthday is closing in and yeah Welcome to Level 35.

Download is looking better gradually, still no idea who I am going with if anyone will probably be me on my todd. Not done that EVER. Could be exciting. Could be a nightmare. Will think about it around May.

Still no news back on the job front loads of things applied for nothing heard back......

I am now using the Aspire for my electric cigarette and while it tastes nicer than the Evod, just don't know seems to bubble and compress a bit. Might have to go back to the Evod though thats fairly messy to fill.
I have ordered a new head bit though which is slightly more expensive but its glass not plastic and seems to work on the same type of action bottom feeding coil, will see what that is like, I might just stop all together....... No can't risk that, nicotine and brain impulses and yeah long story and possibly the only thing stopping my mind from going off the deep end.

nope got nothing else here at the moment thats my week that was.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Want to do something.... New.

Age old issue with any design based person is that there will always come a point where you get fed up of what you are working on and want to work on something.... New.

An this is my problem I want to do something NEW exciting and Different. I can keep giving myself tasks and jobs and ideas but they are things I want to do and as such are pretty much the same thing over and over, new character, new weapon, new back ground, new race. Though none of them are new they are all in place in my head and just coming to the surface at different times. Now I know how this reads, oh you have had enough of working on what your doing and want to move on you never finish anything blah blah blah.

You would be wrong, I often step in and out of what I am working on thats why I am working on three games at once to give me the ability to change and switch and move and things not get stale, what I am talking about is that I want to do something totally different, something not mine. I want a brief and then be left to go and build it that is what I want, I don't care what it is though I would like to stay away from games design, I just want to go and let my head run for a while and do something completely NEW.
Not one of my idea's not something that comes with a this is how it looks make this fit this and get on with it it needs to be exactly like that, what I want is for someone to go.
"I have this idea, it should end up like this hazy thing inside my head that I can't quite make sense off and here is everything I have written on the subject in my head. Go build, make, design, write, draw, doodle this and keep showing me till it matches what is in my head please".
That is what I want to do, that is what I need to do, just to try and mix my mind up a bit.

I have no muse I have no one to impress so I have no real urge to start anything new of my own. Just finish what I have but I have this want and desire to create and without a muse I struggle so I need an outside source.

So blog world that is what I am hunting not a muse but an outer source of inspiration. So inspire me.

Friday, 10 January 2014

Books And Covers

We all do it, I even do it. I think I do any way. I'm never sure, I generally try not to, I usually give the level of doubt, I study I watch I learn and slowly, ever so slowly, I work my way into their head and discover the person underneath. I read the pages of the person and gather my information through conversation, through jokes, through watching body language and just listening, watching remembering.

Yet they look at me, they think freak.
They look at me they think stoner.
They look at me and think he is in a band.
They look at me and think he's a drinker.
They look at me and they never truly learn who I am.

Painted and labeled all my life.
Because I won't cut my hair, I won't keep my beard in order and I will change it as and when I feel like it, because I wear black, because I wear a trench coat, because I am so random and yet I try to be funny.

I don't like people thinking of me as a stoner or a hippy.

I'm me and thats a random box of possibilities and realities mashed together in a big ball of Fallen. I like being Fallen. So next time when you take a look at someone, anyone don't jump to a conclusion because you are probably wrong.

Oh and just to let you all know. I am Anti Drugs, I rarely Drink Alcohol, I have given up smoking and I try to be a nice person, but I will call a spade a spade and if you judge me I will tell you where to go. An possibly not politely.

Thursday though its actually friday...

Another week, worlds still not really there in order, trying to attain to the variations of date and weeks and holidays with the days off and missing points that find me out of line a little more than usual, normally things like this would sort themselves out fairly simply with a few sleeps and days off but generally I am still a little lost on what day of the week it is. So am trying to sort it and get days back in order in my head.

That and this is the week so many anniversaries of deaths. which pass by and memories are wander to my relatives that die so commonly at this time of year, and the birthdays and rejoicing that also comes at this time of year. Which once more brings me back into an issue of that my father went in to hospital today for a rather serious operation that I don't understand with a 50/50 chance of success and a 50/50 chance of not coming through the other side at all, so that plays on my mind a little in some way, but that is life isn't it.
It comes with birth and ends with death and there is always the chance you can walk out the door and end up in a box and this is something I understand and accept and always have. Yet this is playing on my mind a little if not a lot what if it goes wrong, what would I do, I don't think it will but those chances still play through my head, and out of all the family by his side at this moment I am not there because as always I was told to work. So here I sit working wondering thinking pondering and being fed up as once more I get pushed into the shadows and kept out the way.

Job wise keep looking, keep applying, keep waiting to hear things back, always seem to be waiting.

And once more the new year, brings new personality traits, new versions of me created and formed and new understandings of a world I walk through once more alterations to perceptions and possibilities and a path that I still can't seem to find. With footing that is to loose to hold me up, but I walk it head held high, attempting to control an ego that could turn from confidence to arrogance within a heartbeat and seeing this memory of what I was what I am what I can be a fallen without a direction is a dangerous thing to be. Yet it can always be fun.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

First Thursday 2014

The last week mainly work and holiday stuff all very boring.

So Plan, there is a plan!

After many years of mainly pushing web design, art work, graphics and generally being a little boring with what I promote of myself. I'm going to put it all up. I am going to show off all the projects everything.

Though as I sit here thinking about this thats probably not a lot.

Or is it?

Wait and see, whole new sections going onto my portfolio website.

Project Jars will be making an appearance, once I have taken photos.

This largest project I have ever done will also be appearing. Yep Scalextric Racing and what it actually took to design this place and what i had to learn and discover will be coming up.

Then of course the other little things. Things you would never think of. Or maybe you would. I don't know but still. 

Any way that's the diary for this week, nothing to write home about and 2013 is now locked away in a black box in my head never to be opened.

Welcome to the new world.

Happy New Year Peeps.