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Friday, 25 October 2013

Internet dating?

So, we all know what happened back in January, we don't need to go there. We shall look at the things that have gone on since.... Na we won't we will be looking at Internet Dating! I just don't get it.
Seriously I don't. I have several friends that say its amazing and works for them. Then I actually sit and thought about it and ah you're all girls! Okay that sound's sexist, what I actually mean is they are all female.
An they have had a great time on this internet dating thing.
Met the right guy or a guy, met the wrong guy several times and then found someone they can spend time with.
Now me, I'm a bloke that is fairly obvious by the name, but someone convinced me to join you have seen it its all over the telly wiith adverts and everything explaining how they will find you the perfect match for you.
Well 5 days in and 14 emails later. No one. But you have had 14 emails surely there is someone interested?
Yeah that's the thing isn't it, 14 emails in 4 days sounds a lot, when you actually read the emails you discover that they are all spam. "Hi this is my email address email me here with what you're looking for an I Will send you my pictures". Why not put one on the site?
Then there is the lists, you search through, so you put in your location, the range and you let it do the rest............. and the results are Camden. Hang on I'm 120 miles away from Camden and I put in I wanted a 50 mile radius? Nope Camden is the closest person of the total of 12 we think you'll get on with.
So you look at the profile any way, oh you match me because you like music. Okay, what music oh dance, okay I can cope with that and your other interests are oh nothing similar to me at all.
Okay lets try this, 50 miles, not online with photo?
Ah 452. Okay thats better lets have a wander....... So your into music ace, you like rock music thats a good start, you work as a hairdresser okay I can cope with that your looking for someone that earns 150K a year and is hardly around. Oh. Really! Firing above your station a bit there.
Keep wandering... Oh I know her, went to school with her. Saw here in town the other day... Oh look non of you smoke... Oh look you don't want to meet smokers.... So why did she cadge a fag of me the other night then?
Ah the lies unfold and the tales carry on, then you think I should really see when they were actually last online.... Oh over two months ago..... Okay that wasn't worth my time either. Ah well will just sit here and watch my profile get viewed for a couple more days........ Yeah I am being looked at a fair bit, still no emails though...... Shall have a wander and see what these people that looked at me are into, ah you like music, oh your a teacher, oh you want a high paid ceo of some company, ah you want to travel the world...........
Yeah this goes on for 4 days maybe 5 I forget how long this went on for. Wasn't quite a week I will be honest.
I was so sick of getting spam emails from faceless no ones and realising that as an alternative I have long hair, I wear a trench coat, I listen to rock music, I have a bad boy image but am a kind hearted loving soul yeah the insides don't match the outsides okay. I left the site.

So I wander again, now I miss the old days of dating, going to the pub, hitting a club and chatting to someone and getting to know them, getting a phone number and then arranging to meet for coffee, chatting a bit more and seeing if you clicked.
Yeah once you get into your 30's this gets a bit harder to do and especially in a small town.
I used to hang out with a lot of girls most of my friends are female after all and so I never got hit on much unless I broke away from the pack to talk to someone that stood out to me.

Now I am an old internet user, I have been on here since the mid 90's when it first exploded, so don't get me wrong internet dating have kind of worked for me in the past.
But not internet dating sites. This was my first time on one. I have several wonderful friends I have met over the years through the internet, be it from blog writing, the old style profile sites where everyone could talk to everyone, like face party or look its me, to the old yahoo chat rooms.
Yet these are like bars, you wander in you sit down, you watch the chat go by and you kind of join in, or you sit singing to yourself ah yahoo that was fun......
This is the thing though this was how things were done.

Now Facebook I have now accepted I have to be on facebook to keep in touch with people. Though I will say this my phone number has never changed in the last 10 years and so all you have to do is text me and I would have talked to you or replied to my texts. I don't need to be on facebook to keep in touch with people, face book wasn't around 10 years ago and we all kept in touch fairly well. Actually facebook may now have been around 10 years actually but then it wasn't big till about 4 years ago maybe 5.

Moving forward the dates. They aren't as much fun now either, people don't talk they sit checking there phones or replying to emails or texts and are trying to hold half a conversation with them.

So attraction, what is it? Well it is firstly visual, then mental. You see you think wow and then you try, an if you fail you go okay try again. If you wander long enough eventually you will find someone that likes the look of you to. Thats how it works and yes you may talk and your brain may go erm no. it may all fall to bits and you pick yourself up and carry on once more, then you eventually find someone that you want to be with and they want to be with you and you just hope and pray that they feel the same. This is dating at its roots, kissing all the frogs to find your princess.... Yes reversed metaphor.

Love is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Which can be faked with chocolate.

Anyway carrying on. Dating isn't about sex, it's about bonding, finding mutual ground, discovering the other. An what I find with the whole internet dating is you only find out what they want you to learn.
Now I am an old school internet geek, Yes you have a profile but how much of it really true?

Personally I don't lie, I am always honest a little cryptic but always honest. So my profile says exactly who and what I am what I do where you can find me and so on.
The average profile I read and this is true of the people I know or have known while I was on there and there are a few, were all in our 30's and were all struggling to find a life as the world collapses around you, everyone settled down to early ended up with the wrong person and then it all went wrong type of thing. An I have talked to a few of these girls and yeah they do lie a bit because the are trying to catch the perfect guy.
Though in my head if you started out with lies then there will always be lies which isn't such a perfect world to be in and then your back to the same problems once more.

I never settled down my self, I wasn't a player I was just searching for that one.
Always honest if someone fell for me and I didn't feel it I told them, was always an I like you, and you are awesome but I don't think I love you.
How did I know? If they weren't there I wasn't thinking about them.
I was probably already looking for my next possible girl. One of my old friends who I adored talking to, thought was very pretty and had great taste in music, head was screwed on and I am hoping so much she is married now and settled and happy as she deserved it so much, I tried to love. I did, but it just wasn't there, we kissed once, I felt nothing. I apologised blamed the beer and we never talked about it again, the last time we talked was after the september 7th thing. I was just making sure she was okay. Didn't ask anything else, right I digressed sorry, started thinking about an old friend.

An this could be my issue I am not a trusting person. Been burned a few times you have to work at being my friend in order to be my partner and if you can't be a friend you can't be my partner. An if I don't feel it, I am not likely to miss you.

Besides that internet dating is that isn't it, people want everything to move so fast and you can't get the measure of a person from a few emails, it's once more looking at the picture going yeah your hot (I am not hot I am average) and then trying it on, and hoping you click. An of course in words on a screen you can spend the time thinking of what to write, what to say and where to go before the hole thing eventually falls to bits as you have to meet and then you chicken out or aren't the person you said you were and while this is going on you have built the picture of the person in your head and it just don't match.

An me, well, me I'm the same guy online as I am off.
I have been broken once and will probably be again if I am unlucky, but thats how it is.

Though I will keep trying to find the right person for me out there, though it probably won't be through online dating again.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Have I done a this is the way I write post yet?

This is possibly the hardest blog I am ever going to write.
Not because of the content or emotional values or anything like that.
But because I am trying to write it without letting myself do my normal writing style in order to try and show the world how my head works when I am writing in general.

Anyone that reads my blogs can clearly see that from time to time I just go sideways. Things vere off in random directions and I have to try and bring myself back to the topic. Also some times my blogs just stop.

The reason for this and I think this is one of my more fun quirks is that I just write. Once my head decides what it wants to talk about I type and type and if I don't get stopped I will complete whatever it is I am doing as my mind is focused on what I am writing.

I am trying to write this by breaking up my concentration. So that I don't just write what I Would normally do, So I am doing my spelling checking my grammar and adjusting things so they fit. This is most unusual for me I type so quickly when I begin  an idea and just let it flow and anyone paying attention will see where train of thought gets broken as it says earlier the blog just stops or goes back on topic briefly but isn't as well written of creative as the initial build up.

So This is how my head works I just type and what comes out comes out and then I leave it spelling errors and all. I have done this blog before but its always fun to go over things again and again repetition is the way of life hahahahaha.

So many things running around in my skull today though most are never to be written down.

Just a wonder on how the world writes what they do, I guess as we are all different some of us have well structured notes and ideas, and some of us well some of us just ramble.

Thursday. Really! (Don't get excited this won't be that profound)

So, I am as usual sat at my desk in the office of work, doing that thing I do where I open up all the job web sites and start trawling through the last weeks posts just seeing what is going to jump up and bite me, for use of a better term or metaphor.
As always I sit and I clank away ignoring jobs in LONDON as I really don't want the 2 hour commute every morning and I don't fancy moving down there either. Too busy, now don't get me wrong I like busy it makes the day go faster and things move on I just don't like busy streets, hectic traffic, sitting on a train for an hour, paying the extortionate rail fare prices or doing a 14 hour work day to do 8 hours work.
An yes all the creative jobs are down south and all the best paid jobs are down there too, if you want to get any where in the games, I.T, design industry you should be in the capital as that is where everyone is. An there is the thing, I don't. I want to find a job I enjoy, work to live not live to work mentality I have developed over the last few years. The want to spend time with family and friends, enjoy maybe the odd nicer thing in life.
Find someone to enjoy this all with and I don't know build my own family and world.

Yet I am sat here once more in an office that I designed, in a company I don't own but I built trying to find a new job. An once more I am sending out emails to everyone that I think yeah I can do that, before actually reading they want this degree that degree and half a dozen other bits of paper I don't have.

Trying to be creative and get noticed as you do, planning my portfolio rebuild and just looking for the light at the end of a tunnel.

So East Midlands, what is it known for, well food, we produce a lot of food round here.
Yet as I am reasonably educated, skilled in some very random area's and everyone thinks I will get bored and move on before they finish training me I can't even get a job in a factory. Yep even been turned down for that! Thankfully I know the HR person and she gave me the exact reason they wouldn't hire me and its above. She didn't sugar coat it she just said look Dave you are creative and get fed up quickly you wouldn't last a week it is pointless us hiring you to replace you pretty much as you walk through the door because you walked out as you were bored.

An there we go, this is the main issue I have with finding work. Several other places have said this to me to. They think the job is beneath me as so I wouldn't hang around long enough for it to be worth their time.

Yet no one understands that I want to work, an I don't care what the job is as long as I get paid for what I do. Get the holidays I am entitled to and treated as a member of the team.

This is why I am still sat in this office now. This is why I am still with the company I am with, earning less than minimum wage and working 6 days a week. I could have packed this in and started looking for work from an unemployed point of view. Would have been better for my mental state and for my health, yet the urge to work is what drives me to stay here and try and find a new job while I am here.

Yes this job has ruined my life, it has cost me everything I hold dear and left me alone which has affected my social skills a little but I am still trying to escape and expand into something more but I do have a job an that in itself keeps me alive to reclaim these skills and find that little place of heaven I want to belong to.

In the words of Winston Churchill. "We shall never give up We shall never surrender"

Monday, 21 October 2013

Blog Of Angry Creation An you probably won't like it.

Old people. I have nothing against old people, I deal with them and the grandkids on many different occasions with my day job, most are nice, some are interesting they like to talk, can be interesting, odd one is grumpy but thats rare. Yet today I got a barrage of abuse from an old bloke in the street!
Just started shouting and screaming and swearing at me and berating me.

Now this sounds bad and to be honest anyone verbally abusing someone is. There is no need for it we are all different, though the reason he was shouting at me was because I was smoking!
Now I know smoking is a bad habit, it is bad for your health and it causes loads of issues with health and wellbeing over time. I have a multitude of reasons for smoking.
I'm addicted, the nicotine actually helps my brain from collapsing, the poisons slow me down, it allows me to focus, stops me getting irritated and generally it's my choice of suicide.

I am in no way saying smoking is good for you, or being an advocate for smoking. It is a disgusting habit and it makes your clothes smell, your fingers, skin and teeth go yellow. It can cause issues with breathing and with your entire respiratory system.

Yet being a sufferer of a brain injury and having some memory issues, I have been following a lot of the research on nicotine, how it affects brain structure, the way it has been used to slow the effects of certain illnesses with in the brain.

Plus when I am not smoking my brain goes a million miles a second and I end up with way to much energy to ever sleep and other problems, so yes I am poisoning myself in order to slow me down.

So getting berrated by an old man who was on the opposite side of the road then crossed over to actually have a go at me face to face yeah. Slightly angry about that. What was even worse I was moving, it was raining, and I was heading to the bin to throw the butt away! So wasn't even going to be littering!

I shall admit I have been having a bit of an on off time with electric substitutes, I went a whole year only using the liquids, an well you know what happened that sent me over the edge. We don't need to go back over that. Now the electrics I can deal with, but then there comes the problem, yes it means I am getting the nicotine which keeps my brain in check, now here is the downside, my body speeds up. I start to think faster, I gain more energy and I end up not sleeping for days, which is really not good for my health in the first place. But the biggest problem I have is once I start with the electric I go through so much liquid so quickly. I just don't put it down it is there it is in front of me, while with a cigarette I will have one and then maybe a couple of hours later another one and it don't bother me. Yet with the electric it is a constantly being used thing.

This was originally about the old bloke being a self righteous abusive person which just lets me lose more faith in this world. An it ended up being about well that, so you probably won;t like it, but seriously were all human and we all have our own lives our own reasons for doing certain things in it, sometimes it helps if you remember that. An don't turn into a ageing idiot that cares about no one but themselves and goes out of there way and seriously he went out of his way he was up wind from me and on the opposite side of the road. He deliberately came over to start on me and tell me that he could smell it, in rain with the wind blowing in the opposite direction! really! Wow thats impressive to say I had finished it before you appeared and was throwing the butt in the bin!

Wish I could remember exactly what I was going to write here when I started planning this blog earlier!

Sunday, 20 October 2013

trying to break the cycle

I remember happiness, very clearly, very much so, this time last year I was so happy and so content it was stupidly unreal. Everything was going right, well nearly everything I Was still struggling to find a new job, wasn't really a case of trying to find a new job I was applying for any and everything, it was more a case of trying to find a company that could see past the present job I do and would take me on as what they needed.
I do give my present job some credit though, as it gets so quiet and lonely here in the week when the kids are at school it gives me time to study and learn new skills, though I feel this might be where I am going wrong. I don't know I just keep adding skills and qualifications to my CV as I have so little else to do and my mind is always racing, and raring to learn new things. I do this to occupy my time as with the present work life of constantly at work I fail to be around much, working every weekend wears me out quiet a lot and having to be in work by 10am on a Saturday and Sunday morning means late nights on Fridays and Saturdays don't happen as I just end up feeling tired and rough and that is no way to act around customers.
Work ethic is heavy in me, do my job and do it to the best of my abilities always.
So why am I writing this now?
Because I just want to get it out of my system. There is so much I have been struggling with this year, this has been the bane of my year failing to be free to be me. To allow me to expand my friends, meet new people, and try to get my life into some kind of order.
The constant pressures on me to do my job and stop moaning from my parents is what dragged me down, made me depressed and eventually destroyed my world. A world I would do anything for to get back.
That perfect place in my universe where everything was right.

Friday, 18 October 2013

Still amazes me...

I waffle I babble I never really throw anything coherent together.
I sling up random poems, I place random half cocked story idea's I am kicking about.
I do all manner of things in here but I do mainly use it as a diary, yes I know I should write it in a book and hide it away but I don't I type it out post it, leave it remove it, repost it and it all goes round in circles.
Yet I still get so many hits. Stupid amount of hits to say I have so few followers.
I don't get it. Some of the stuff I write seriously I just start typing and words come out I don't even know what I am typing till I have finished and read it back, then a week later gone back and fixed the spelling.
Yes sometimes it takes me a week to decide to go and proof read what I posted.
Rare I get comments though, but you know thanks for reading any way.
This really is just a dumping ground for stuff in my head and trying to work out what, who and why I am.
Nothing more.

Want to know a secret? There are so many....

You. All. Made me.
Yep all of you every single one of you.
We all know I don't know who I am and never truly have done.
All I ever did was listen and tell you how my head saw it.
What laid in front what laid behind where the paths would go and what would be created.
I got most of it right I got some of it wrong.
I lived by rules well those rules got broken, they had to be they didn't always work.
Things changed, I didn't.
You cannot kill what you did not create.
An so many of you created me.
No one person is responsible for what I am perceived to be.
One of you named me and I have kept that name all these years.
One of you declared me the last Dark Angel and you know what I still am.
One of you showed me how to use my mind well beyond its abilities and see all possibilities.
One of you made me stand up for myself.
One of you taught me to be nice.
One of you taught me to be nasty.
One of you showed me the way to get what I wanted.
One of you showed me to be patient.
All of you showed me love.
One of you made me feel it.
You broke me down you built me up but not one of you can stop me.
You all have to work together and you don't know each other.
But then not one of you wants to hurt me as I am in your hearts as I always have been as I was your friend. I still am. You just have to find me.
I found all of you.
I watched over you and stayed in the shadows making sure you were okay.
I stopped doing that, why because you didn't need me any more.
You gained lives and worlds and I am so happy for all of you.

Me though, I am still here, crazy as always, seeing everything and nothing simultaneously.

An as my mind is my own at the moment and focused in a way that has been missing of late and I am not guaranteeing my mind will stay focused for long or in the right frame I wish to thank you all for creating me.

Now all I need to do is work out who I upset and get my life back on track into it's correct path and right orbit. An out of the hell I am in. So I can once more become strong, become stable and come after you.

Oh you know who you are and you know where I am and you'll wait, we always do.