So, I've not said a word for weeks. Been doing the odd review on my other blog, but me, whats it matter? Well in theory it don't, still losing my mind in my day job, and becoming so sick of it it's starting to actually show in my level of professionalism, which just makes me angry at myself and that fire within can be passionate or explosive and of late has been more explosive.
Still bumbling about, as the world is still judging the book by the cover and no one ever gets to know me.
Still having little depression periods, guess when nothing seems to be going right that is what happens though.
I'm not angry at anyone other than myself. I should be angry about lots of things but I'm not, just getting older and still living on low income, I know people live on low incomes and survive I have been doing most of my life. Amazing how far you can make the pennies go if you have too. I just sacrificed my social life to do it.
Which is where the depression kicks in, I missed most of the social scene through my 20's cause of the job, and now I am into my mid 30's I should be all happy and settled and not needing it. I'm just not.
As I get older I find myself slowly wanting to be left alone more and more, which is a complete disaster really as the full time job means I have to interact with people lots of different people who don't listen and break things and pay no attention to warnings and make me angry cause i can't say things in clearer english than I do and they do the damage yet they blame me for it when they are the ones who broke it so why should I take the rap for their incompetence to listen?
Then we have my family as you know thats who I work for, and seriously they are never around everything is left to me and then I get angry cause I can't be everywhere at once like they expect me to be.
Favourite example, I started at 10:45 and first customers went on and 10:50. We don't open till 11. by 12 I have all 8 tables full and a 40 minute queue of people waiting to race, at this point I am not able to leave the tables as soon as I have started table 1, I have to move to table 8 and start that and work my way back round and once I am back at table one it all starts again. This goes on for 6 hours. Constantly walking around 6,000 square feet of building saying the same things over and over and over again. Exactly the same things can't deviate from the explanations everyone gets the same one, though young kids get a slightly dumbed down version. People wanting to ask me questions about scalextrics and repairs and I have no time to talk to them about stock or what would be best to extend their home circuits as I am constantly starting races. Sorting the tills, answering the phones, okay so not answering the phones when I get that busy the phone gets ignored by me has to as I just don't have time, well this is bad for customers but sorry am one person. Now here is the best bit there are meant to be 2 of us in here. So where is the other one? Probably hidden away playing Mahjong in the other office, yet whenever I say anything I am in the wrong.
An she had a hard day cause she had too cook 4 meals for one family. Then moans she never has customers then moans when she has customers. Yet me, I have something happen like 6 tables full people waiting to start something breaks and no one backs me up they all hide in the dark instead of their being a presence in the building! An once more it's all my fault! How is this my fault they broke it, I need to fix it I don't have spare cars, as I don't have spare parts as the supplier never gets me them on time and you moan at me when I spend money making the site work and keeping everything in working order.
So I am angry, an I am angry at me for letting myself get trapped here and what makes it all worse is there is no one I can talk to so I have to blog, I have no one to share anything with cause no one wants to me with someone that earns less than minimum wage works constantly isn't allowed to take holidays and works every single weekend and it always shattered when they get in from running around all day.
An what am I meant to do about it? Nothing. I bring it up with my parents and I just get stop moaning and get back to work. I book a day off and I get you can't have it there is this booking, or that booking.
An then you get days, like today, where the kids have gone back to school and I am sat here all on my own, and I shall be on my own till the weekend, just me and that gets depressing as well, cause I used to have someone, but that was a long time ago now. Though since they came into my life no one has been interested in me and all these years on they still aren't.
So I am alone, slowly going more and more insane and gradually going more feral once more as the world turns from one day to the next merging into an endless day of rinse and repeat. All I want to do is be found, get a job with different people and new and amazing challenges and be allowed to be treated like a normal employee doing a job I can be great at in a world that just judges the books by its cover.