I walk in and out of people's lives, it's what I have been doing for so long.
Seem to be found by those that need me and I do what I need to do to make their worlds work.
Remind them who they are, how amazing they truly are how great and some how they find the path they should be on.
I have been doing this for so long its becoming a running joke in my head it truly is.
I run in to them down the road and they thank me for everything I did, every action, every lesson, every tiny thing I did.
I hate it. I will be honest I hate it. All I ever do is put other peoples lives back on track.
Okay I like to help will help anyone usually to help themselves I will admit it isn't about handing over money to people or doing their job for them. It's helping people to be able to do what they dream what they wish what they want.
Advice and a shoulder are always handy always helpful to all.
So why am I so tired of it?
It's what I do. It's why everyone seems to think I'm an Angel. I pop up I do what it is that needs doing and disappear once more. Actually I don't. Thats the thing. I don't walk away I have never walked away from anyone, just once you have gotten where you need to be you don't need me any more or want me around and you wander off and forget me.
An I say I forget everything. I don't, it's all in here I just find it hard to recall it from time to time. It still wanders back and forth inside my head.
So many people I have saved, so many people i have shown the way too, so many people I have helped.
So why am I not happy?
If this is what my position is in this world why am I so unhappy with my life?
I know the job has sucked away any forms of social life, working every weekend and destroying my soul so much, like today, I am sat on my own once more in a cold office talking to the odd person thats not too busy on what ever means of conversation there is be it email, text message and so on. So why am I still so unhappy and so lost. I am doing my job I'm making people smile I am helping and talking them through and in return they are keeping me sane by allowing me to talk to them.
So what is wrong with me, why am I not happy?
An who helps me in my time of need?
Not that I am actually having a moment of need right now, which is why I can ask these questions.
Why won't the world ever give me the life everyone else has?
Why when I get it does it take it away from me?
I'm not that important, I am just another wandering body on this rock, I'm nothing special, I just have a heart and always want to help everyone around me, everyone before me. Always.
Why can't I ever put me first in anything?
I never think I deserve anything, I always think there is someone better someone more skilled someone who deserves it more, an I hope they get it, though I know I Wish someone would give me that chance.
Heard so many times that I am too good for whoever I am with, but am I?
I'm just me. I'm nothing more than a random group of elements and atoms mashed together to create something that may or may not exist on any other planet in a universe of a billion stars. My birth was as random as anyone elses.
I'm just me. An maybe I think a little differently, but to who?
So many questions about what, who, how I am meant to be, how I am meant to act. My past shows me no explanations of where I am going, and my future, it changes it shifts too often too much.
Questioning the fabric of a world I don't even know anymore. Guess I was just born in the wrong age.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Thursday, 13 February 2014
I don't know if I am going to keep writing these.
Everything isn't going to plan, not that there ever was a plan in the first place.
Feeling really defeated. Feeling really run down. Nothing to look forward to. No escape.
Just broken into a million pieces, and this is my only outlet but it's not longer helping me.
Just can't get my head into anything really, constantly blank of mind and lacking inspiration.