I'm really struggling.

There are points in your life where things happen. I seem to skip them. I have never met "The One" I have never had "The Perfect Job" I have never managed to workout who I am. 

I've now spent 6 months unemployed, I have applied for over 500 jobs the very few I have gotten to the end of the process with I have come second. No one want's second. 

I have actually started putting my own sculpts and stories online to sell.
Everyone likes them. No one buys them.

The UK government have decided that 6 months without a job is too long and will now not support my ability to survive. Yep the £80 a week has now stopped. You can't live on £80 a week not with this present world and what it costs. 

I can go onto universal credit, which as soon as I get a job I have to pay back because as soon as I get a job I will earn more than I am allowed to so have to pay before claiming it. So that is a no brainer. 

But none of this is relevant anymore really. I also know no one reads these anymore so this is just here for me to remind me once more down the road that you hit rock bottom and then you realised that this isn't rock bottom this is just another ledge and you still have a long way to go. Only bonus this week I have had is my Dad actually talked to me like a normal person about nothing which was nice. It wasn't for long and to not spoil it I got out of there as soon as the conversation ended. 

I want to say I am depressed, but I am not I am defeated. I haven't really been me since, well since the last time I woke up on the Stroke Ward. This version of me isn't well me. I am still in here but my interests are not my interests. My imagination has come back and is starting to work again though it is mainly words not images which is a little soul destroying for me as I was always far more visual. Or was I? II have always been a mashup of both really. 

My Body is starting to rebel against me, nerves are trapping in places they shouldn't do, pain is a new thing, I am not used to that this has become something I don't really want to get used too. I liked it when that part of my brain didn't work. 

I don't get why music don't do what it used to do to me either. It's now just music. I am missing singing along (badly) with everything. 

I hate not working I want to work. I hate my life and my world at the moment. I wish I actually had friends. But the last job took them all away from me. 

I wish I could get off this rock, but I know I can't.