What is this thing,
Reality?
Or is it all,
Fantasy?
Who is to know,
The boundaries of it all?
All that happens is,
We are born,We all die.
The bit,
In the middle,
That is the bonus.
Some are never born.
Some never die.
Immortalised in words,
And hearts for all eternity.
Monday, 26 August 2013
No name on this one. Just scribbles on a page.
Emotion is a variable.
Life is also.
Death is the only constant.
Everything is said.
Nothing is done.
Words are only probability.
The only definitive.
We are born to die.
Or is it we are born to live?
Life is also.
Death is the only constant.
Everything is said.
Nothing is done.
Words are only probability.
The only definitive.
We are born to die.
Or is it we are born to live?
The finish "Click off Gone"
Is death the end of life?
Or is it like a full stop on a page?
The end of a sentence,
Or the beginning of life?
Who is to know what is in store.
Life or Death, comma or full stop.
In the end everything comes to a close.
How do we stop it?
We can't stop the inevitable,
Only prolong it.
Until the end.
Everything comes to an end?
So like the sun in the sky,
I come to a close.
But not my life,
A full stop.
But who is to know?
Sorting out the spare room I found....
I was tidying, generally trying to make this house more of a house and less of a living room, a kitchen an area to sleep and then just masses of storage space. I am a bit of a collector and I collect lots and am trying to get this all sorted.
I found my Collage file though, when I say collage file I mean the random poems, art work, ideas and designs I put together when I was in collage. Just to give my brain something to deal with other than the sciences I was studying. So in no order or any memorable reason I am now going to put them all here.
These were written a long long time ago. Mainly things floating around my head, they have no bearing or reaction to anything going on in my life then or now.
Though I will say I am rather profoundly odd at predicting things that are going to happen in my life years before they happen. I shall post them in their own posts. As some are very long.
(really wish I had dated these)
I found my Collage file though, when I say collage file I mean the random poems, art work, ideas and designs I put together when I was in collage. Just to give my brain something to deal with other than the sciences I was studying. So in no order or any memorable reason I am now going to put them all here.
These were written a long long time ago. Mainly things floating around my head, they have no bearing or reaction to anything going on in my life then or now.
Though I will say I am rather profoundly odd at predicting things that are going to happen in my life years before they happen. I shall post them in their own posts. As some are very long.
(really wish I had dated these)
Monday, 3 June 2013
I think its time I gave up the secret to my past my darkness and my mental state.
An now before you start thinking this is all a moan about my relationship troubles, well lack of relationship with the woman of my dreams and the love of my life it isn't though it might get crammed in here but then it may not.
So Why Fallen?
I shall start by saying my past isn't exactly great, in my head its rather hazy, very hazy and a bit random. Not all things come out in the correct order. But this is how I got the name Fallen and why things don't always come out in the right order after all. ( I survived a hit and run so Fallen From Grace I just don't know a Grace)
I'm now 34, and most people would think that after 18 years of living how I do I would have gotten used to it.
Small Bit of information. You try surviving a hit an run from a drunk driver doing 70mph and mounting the pavement wiping out your past your memories and then see if you can get over it in 18 years.
For sure you should be able to, well yes but I still get random flashbacks of things from my life I had long forgotten, I still lose days where my mind wipes itself out due to stress or trauma and I still suffer with a lot of soft tissue damage and busted knees, which lets be honest if you see my day job and all the running around and bending I do I'm surprised I have only had my knees rebuilt twice.
Any way, after said hit and run at the end of the first half term of my first year in College! I vanished from college for a while, had to drop out of my A Levels, never got them and eventually went back to study IT. HND Level 3 to be exact. Yeah that didn't work either had to stay away from PC screens for a year due to the possibility I could develop epilepsy and as I had been known to black out they weren't going to risk it. Plus its collage I'm trying to work out who I am, was in a fair amount of pain, the morphine tablets made me sick, alcohol didn't, we can see why I flunked out of the HND can't we. I wasn't ready.
So off to the land of Doctors and Nurses, who for some god for known reason were more interested in trying to work out how I survived and how much my brain was damaged than actually trying to fix me.
So this screwed me up quiet a lot.
18. First real job, yes I went and I got a real job, I started on my 18th Birthday and where was it Games Workshop. Had a wonderful manager when I started Paul Green, he knew I was in and out of hospital a lot (7 years) and didn't mind me taking the days off I needed to get things sorted as long as i booked them in in advance, loved it this was great, unfortunately he resigned his managers position very soon after I started due to stress. I had all my hospital appointments booked in some of them could not be changed or I'd end up at the back of the waiting list. An that was anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. Not an issue new manager would see them booked and the reasons behind them and would obviously honour them..... NO.
He wouldn't so Scott, I forget his surname, I remember he was from New Zealand as he was shocked that I could tell the difference between the accent from Australian, no idea how I could I just could, have lived around farms for years so its probably something in-bedded in my past I couldn't remember.
I moved most but one I couldn't and I had to take them morning off still got into work was only an hour late and I had given so much advanced warning it was unreal.
So 4 months in and suddenly I have had a complaint against me! Where did this come from what day did it happen on why was this hanging over me? I wasn't in work on the date the complaint said. I could prove it as well. No it was a complaint against me and it was this date and I was fired! Well I could prove I wasn't in work that day and I could prove it wasn't me but hey ho I'm not going to fight this it isn't worth the reduced hours and less pay if I win. So will go find something else and move on.
Later that day I found he had pulled the same trick on the old manager and a few weeks later he was fired himself. So Karma.
ITEC and meeting my best male friend, the jobcentre didn't know what to do with me I refused to go disabled and still do to this day. Though I am guessing now a days it is going to be a lot harder for me to get a blue badge. So I went to ITEC on New Deal, yay 20 weeks learning NVQ Level 2 IT. 3 days doing level 2 IT and 19 weeks of teaching CLAIT. in reality. My IT skills were a little advanced by then already.
So out we go back into the world of work..... Wilkinson that's so spelt wrong. 6 weeks over Christmas and done. back to the Jobcentre, and straight back into the disability office as once more no one knows what to do with me.
We seeing a pattern here?
I eventually get an office job, it sucks I do another training qualification in Windows office but nothing that can actually help me get work and the company goes under.
My folks offer me work in there garden centre running the office there, off I go to do that for minimum wage. well I say minimum wage I don't think it existed then.
And this company starts going under. Another pattern? bloody hope not.
So quick change of service and Scalextric Racing is born!
Yeah that job I do for less than minimum wage for the last 9 years which is 7 days a week 52 weeks a year no weekend off bah one and am the only person on site 90% of the time that place.
Seriously screwed over by own family thank you very much.
So in 9 years this job has ruined, 3 relationships. lots of friendships and that one special someone that I could never bare to be without who know don't feel the same way, yeah this bit stops here.
There is my life in the last few years, there have been other jobs and things I have done, there have been girls and beer and all manner of things I just don't remember.
So as I now sit here and wait for my best friend to be deleted from my head........ yeah that isn't going to happen I thought it would as this has been a stressful week but she is locked in here tight. Thats how I know she is my one. Sucks don't it she never goes away. Sorry sorry.
So run over by a drunk driver hence the name Fallen as I didn't die, yes it was lucky but the pain and the head injury not so helpful.
My reasons for going blank on my project and finding it hard to focus once more head injury and stress of the one I love bailing on me.
And yeah I know you didn't ask but It was possibly time I shared and now its a big blog so I can just say read this instead of going read this cryptic poem I wrote many decades ago.
Still Fallen. the 013 that I forget, I do I can't remember why 013 at all there was a reason it's just been lost in time.
So Why Fallen?
I shall start by saying my past isn't exactly great, in my head its rather hazy, very hazy and a bit random. Not all things come out in the correct order. But this is how I got the name Fallen and why things don't always come out in the right order after all. ( I survived a hit and run so Fallen From Grace I just don't know a Grace)
I'm now 34, and most people would think that after 18 years of living how I do I would have gotten used to it.
Small Bit of information. You try surviving a hit an run from a drunk driver doing 70mph and mounting the pavement wiping out your past your memories and then see if you can get over it in 18 years.
For sure you should be able to, well yes but I still get random flashbacks of things from my life I had long forgotten, I still lose days where my mind wipes itself out due to stress or trauma and I still suffer with a lot of soft tissue damage and busted knees, which lets be honest if you see my day job and all the running around and bending I do I'm surprised I have only had my knees rebuilt twice.
Any way, after said hit and run at the end of the first half term of my first year in College! I vanished from college for a while, had to drop out of my A Levels, never got them and eventually went back to study IT. HND Level 3 to be exact. Yeah that didn't work either had to stay away from PC screens for a year due to the possibility I could develop epilepsy and as I had been known to black out they weren't going to risk it. Plus its collage I'm trying to work out who I am, was in a fair amount of pain, the morphine tablets made me sick, alcohol didn't, we can see why I flunked out of the HND can't we. I wasn't ready.
So off to the land of Doctors and Nurses, who for some god for known reason were more interested in trying to work out how I survived and how much my brain was damaged than actually trying to fix me.
So this screwed me up quiet a lot.
18. First real job, yes I went and I got a real job, I started on my 18th Birthday and where was it Games Workshop. Had a wonderful manager when I started Paul Green, he knew I was in and out of hospital a lot (7 years) and didn't mind me taking the days off I needed to get things sorted as long as i booked them in in advance, loved it this was great, unfortunately he resigned his managers position very soon after I started due to stress. I had all my hospital appointments booked in some of them could not be changed or I'd end up at the back of the waiting list. An that was anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. Not an issue new manager would see them booked and the reasons behind them and would obviously honour them..... NO.
He wouldn't so Scott, I forget his surname, I remember he was from New Zealand as he was shocked that I could tell the difference between the accent from Australian, no idea how I could I just could, have lived around farms for years so its probably something in-bedded in my past I couldn't remember.
I moved most but one I couldn't and I had to take them morning off still got into work was only an hour late and I had given so much advanced warning it was unreal.
So 4 months in and suddenly I have had a complaint against me! Where did this come from what day did it happen on why was this hanging over me? I wasn't in work on the date the complaint said. I could prove it as well. No it was a complaint against me and it was this date and I was fired! Well I could prove I wasn't in work that day and I could prove it wasn't me but hey ho I'm not going to fight this it isn't worth the reduced hours and less pay if I win. So will go find something else and move on.
Later that day I found he had pulled the same trick on the old manager and a few weeks later he was fired himself. So Karma.
ITEC and meeting my best male friend, the jobcentre didn't know what to do with me I refused to go disabled and still do to this day. Though I am guessing now a days it is going to be a lot harder for me to get a blue badge. So I went to ITEC on New Deal, yay 20 weeks learning NVQ Level 2 IT. 3 days doing level 2 IT and 19 weeks of teaching CLAIT. in reality. My IT skills were a little advanced by then already.
So out we go back into the world of work..... Wilkinson that's so spelt wrong. 6 weeks over Christmas and done. back to the Jobcentre, and straight back into the disability office as once more no one knows what to do with me.
We seeing a pattern here?
I eventually get an office job, it sucks I do another training qualification in Windows office but nothing that can actually help me get work and the company goes under.
My folks offer me work in there garden centre running the office there, off I go to do that for minimum wage. well I say minimum wage I don't think it existed then.
And this company starts going under. Another pattern? bloody hope not.
So quick change of service and Scalextric Racing is born!
Yeah that job I do for less than minimum wage for the last 9 years which is 7 days a week 52 weeks a year no weekend off bah one and am the only person on site 90% of the time that place.
Seriously screwed over by own family thank you very much.
So in 9 years this job has ruined, 3 relationships. lots of friendships and that one special someone that I could never bare to be without who know don't feel the same way, yeah this bit stops here.
There is my life in the last few years, there have been other jobs and things I have done, there have been girls and beer and all manner of things I just don't remember.
So as I now sit here and wait for my best friend to be deleted from my head........ yeah that isn't going to happen I thought it would as this has been a stressful week but she is locked in here tight. Thats how I know she is my one. Sucks don't it she never goes away. Sorry sorry.
So run over by a drunk driver hence the name Fallen as I didn't die, yes it was lucky but the pain and the head injury not so helpful.
My reasons for going blank on my project and finding it hard to focus once more head injury and stress of the one I love bailing on me.
And yeah I know you didn't ask but It was possibly time I shared and now its a big blog so I can just say read this instead of going read this cryptic poem I wrote many decades ago.
Still Fallen. the 013 that I forget, I do I can't remember why 013 at all there was a reason it's just been lost in time.
Monday, 18 March 2013
Sim City to SimCity
Any one remember placing them squares down, making sure the roads were connected, you put your power lines in and tried to keep Godzilla out?
A large percentage of them playing Sim City 2013 will do. Were old, we played Sim City way back when on the Amiga, NES, and which ever console or home computer you had at the time.
For those playing on the NES you will remember it wasn't Godzilla but King Bowser who rampaged through the city and destroyed your power station.
I have logged more hours playing Sim City than any other game I have ever played. I still play Sim City 2000, Sim City 3, Sim City 4, and Sim City Societies. The last one was awful and I didn't log any where near as many hours on it as I have the others but I still go back and push buttons on it from time to time.
Sim City 2013 has been out just over a week and I have already logged nearly 150 hours on it.
It runs when I am at work, when I am at home, when I am cleaning, cooking or working. It is one of the games I can setup and walk away from then check in and change bits as my day goes on and it is one of the reasons I love it so much, the logic behind putting your city together keeping your inhabitance happy and maintaining a working eco system or Residential, Commercial and Industrial. With out wiping out the inhabitants by putting untrained idiots into a Nuclear power plant. Balancing the accounts and making sure the roads all move forward. I have played so many city simulators over the years and not one has ever been a patch on Will Wrights work of Genius, the guy is a game developing legend.
So why does Sim City 2013 suck so much?
Really? I have just spent 3 days working on my 3 cities within Trinity Point and getting them to be well balanced and money making empires, everything working in harmony and no problems to deal with bah the occasional meteor shower, "Godzilla" (Its a giant RED lizard not Godzilla now" or Alien invasion. I have worked my way around all the glitches with traffic jams and other annoyances like sewer pipes only pumping out 10 gallons an hour though they can pass 15 gallons an hour, bus's not going where they should and trains having incredibly random delays and arrival times. I have managed to keep my crime level down, my fires to a minimum and the my hospital fairly hectic (though zombies are funny to watch running around)
I'm not even moaning about the always connected to the server DRM things everyone else is moaning about yes I'd like to not have to be connected to the web to play but as I am always connected to the web anyway it makes no difference to me.
So what am I grumbling about then?
The game just don't work. I mean it works as a game the graphics are nice the sounds annoying and the animations are entertaining but that's it as a Sim City it just seems to not work.
I have a population of 180,000 or had before having to abandon the city due to server error.
I have 60,000 jobs 6,000 unfilled jobs. No one commuting out of the city.
I have 30,000 shoppers and an excess of goods.
I have 2000 students.............
I have 0 tourists and no one commuting in to work.
So if my maths is right and I have all these jobs and massive population why are there available jobs?
Traffic, and jams, you put in buses, trams, and trains and they have 10,000+ people using them. So why do I still have traffic jams?
I have a map covered in bus stops and nearly 1000 empty desks. So why aren't my Sims going to school?
I have a fire break out and the building burns down because my Fire Engine can't get there! an why not? its sirens are flashing but no one is moving out the way and it gets stuck in traffic.
Every thing runs really well when I am at Medium population, but as soon as you push it to high and if you don't they start to moan at you about it so you have to push to high density the game breaks. It just stops working as it should.
Or the Sims start moaning about low land values when you are running everything at high, even if its broken at which point you need to push your land value up and guess what happens your Sims DROP. Why because a High Value High Density tower block holds as many Sims as a Low Value Low Density caravan.
An the servers deal with all this! Really! That's now what I am reading from people that are ripping the code to bits.
So Maxis, EA, who ever wants to take the blame for this why didn't you just go back and look at how this game was put together by the great designer and try building that. One that works and less lazy and sloppy code. I am guessing a lot of these things will be put right over the cycle of this games life and knowing EA it wont be more than 4 years before we get a new version with these problems all put back in because the design team forgot these problems where there in the first place.
Or there is a chance that the first expansion will fix these problems, but we will have to pay to find out instead of them fixing the game and releasing it as it should have been.
Any one wanting to add to this please do.
A large percentage of them playing Sim City 2013 will do. Were old, we played Sim City way back when on the Amiga, NES, and which ever console or home computer you had at the time.
For those playing on the NES you will remember it wasn't Godzilla but King Bowser who rampaged through the city and destroyed your power station.
I have logged more hours playing Sim City than any other game I have ever played. I still play Sim City 2000, Sim City 3, Sim City 4, and Sim City Societies. The last one was awful and I didn't log any where near as many hours on it as I have the others but I still go back and push buttons on it from time to time.
Sim City 2013 has been out just over a week and I have already logged nearly 150 hours on it.
It runs when I am at work, when I am at home, when I am cleaning, cooking or working. It is one of the games I can setup and walk away from then check in and change bits as my day goes on and it is one of the reasons I love it so much, the logic behind putting your city together keeping your inhabitance happy and maintaining a working eco system or Residential, Commercial and Industrial. With out wiping out the inhabitants by putting untrained idiots into a Nuclear power plant. Balancing the accounts and making sure the roads all move forward. I have played so many city simulators over the years and not one has ever been a patch on Will Wrights work of Genius, the guy is a game developing legend.
So why does Sim City 2013 suck so much?
Really? I have just spent 3 days working on my 3 cities within Trinity Point and getting them to be well balanced and money making empires, everything working in harmony and no problems to deal with bah the occasional meteor shower, "Godzilla" (Its a giant RED lizard not Godzilla now" or Alien invasion. I have worked my way around all the glitches with traffic jams and other annoyances like sewer pipes only pumping out 10 gallons an hour though they can pass 15 gallons an hour, bus's not going where they should and trains having incredibly random delays and arrival times. I have managed to keep my crime level down, my fires to a minimum and the my hospital fairly hectic (though zombies are funny to watch running around)
I'm not even moaning about the always connected to the server DRM things everyone else is moaning about yes I'd like to not have to be connected to the web to play but as I am always connected to the web anyway it makes no difference to me.
So what am I grumbling about then?
The game just don't work. I mean it works as a game the graphics are nice the sounds annoying and the animations are entertaining but that's it as a Sim City it just seems to not work.
I have a population of 180,000 or had before having to abandon the city due to server error.
I have 60,000 jobs 6,000 unfilled jobs. No one commuting out of the city.
I have 30,000 shoppers and an excess of goods.
I have 2000 students.............
I have 0 tourists and no one commuting in to work.
So if my maths is right and I have all these jobs and massive population why are there available jobs?
Traffic, and jams, you put in buses, trams, and trains and they have 10,000+ people using them. So why do I still have traffic jams?
I have a map covered in bus stops and nearly 1000 empty desks. So why aren't my Sims going to school?
I have a fire break out and the building burns down because my Fire Engine can't get there! an why not? its sirens are flashing but no one is moving out the way and it gets stuck in traffic.
Every thing runs really well when I am at Medium population, but as soon as you push it to high and if you don't they start to moan at you about it so you have to push to high density the game breaks. It just stops working as it should.
Or the Sims start moaning about low land values when you are running everything at high, even if its broken at which point you need to push your land value up and guess what happens your Sims DROP. Why because a High Value High Density tower block holds as many Sims as a Low Value Low Density caravan.
An the servers deal with all this! Really! That's now what I am reading from people that are ripping the code to bits.
So Maxis, EA, who ever wants to take the blame for this why didn't you just go back and look at how this game was put together by the great designer and try building that. One that works and less lazy and sloppy code. I am guessing a lot of these things will be put right over the cycle of this games life and knowing EA it wont be more than 4 years before we get a new version with these problems all put back in because the design team forgot these problems where there in the first place.
Or there is a chance that the first expansion will fix these problems, but we will have to pay to find out instead of them fixing the game and releasing it as it should have been.
Any one wanting to add to this please do.
Sunday, 3 March 2013
So if religion is real this is probably how it all went down.
They say the gods gave us free will and the angels hated them for it.
But as Angels have no free will they could not hate their creators and so hated what they had built.
To the point of the war beginning within the heavens and some being cast out to be part of this world and entwined and prisoned forever within it.
Some to walk with man to understand and learn why they were created and some cast into the blackness of oblivion for they were to dangerous to be locked up or allowed to walk.
The argument all began by using the humans as food, the praise is what feeds the gods and the gods grew strong. Without the praise the gods were weakened and eaten by the more powerful gods.
This went on and over time man renounced gods and one God won over creating monotheism. The belief in one power controlling all, but then man grew tired of this and the God was dissected into many Gods once more. Giving the multitude of religions within this planet.
This in turn as we have free will and are allowed to pick our beliefs fractured the God once more as they lost followers and praise.
Weakening the creator. Using the abilities remaining moving to a new world to start fresh and gain the praise it needed to feed in order to become strong once more.
Leaving behind those created in order to watch over the world. But being deserted they soon began to fight amongst themselves and the humans below began to wage wars against each other.
Still waging wars to this day against each other.
But with now higher power to control these angels they slowly began to fade as the memory of them was lost by man and by God alike.
Which in turn ends up with the few Angels upon the earth moving in strange ways and taking places within the world to control its progress ever wishing to become the Gods they should have eventually been.
While those in the earth attempt to stop the darkest of souls returning to life to wage these bloody wars though new souls form old souls do die and return.
This in turn creates the issue of balance within the world and on going fight between good and evil all while waiting for the remaining creator to return to attempt to fix the mess which was left behind.
Never realising that the humans themselves will one day be Gods because they were given free will in the first place and should ascend to this hight of power as if we are created in the image then surely we can be as they are.
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